Archive for the Offbeat News Category

The Anatomy of an Orgasm

Posted in Offbeat News with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , on May 8, 2009 by Diggems

I love sex. LOVE IT.  I can’t help but find it fascinating. There are few things on this planet that can compare to the physical sensation of an orgasm. I’ll even go as far as saying it’s the most magnificent PHYSICAL feeling that a human being can achieve. The quest for that sensation has advanced our species to the top of the food chain, started wars and sent many men to ruin.

What is it about “getting off” that people are so attracted to? What goes on behind the scenes when we’re getting our “jollies” with some random mud duck that we’ve picked up in a bar? How is it possible that genuine clear thinking becomes a cloudy mess of primitive humping and grunting? Let’s dig a little deeper and see just what makes up an orgasm. That soggy grey matter between your ears holds all of the answers.

The brain is the headquarters of all that sexual tension. Your brain has an area known as the pleasure center. It’s like the “gold star” board your elementary teacher used to put up for doing good things in class. Whenever you do something you enjoy, the pleasure system rewards your body in order to entice it to do it again. It’s the reason why you love to laugh, love to get off and even why many love to do drugs. Science shows us; when the neurons in the pleasure center fire, other areas of your brain are given specific tasks in order to maximize the pleasure sensation.

One of these areas in your brain is called the lateral orbitofrontal cortex. This section of the brain shuts down completely during orgasm. It’s considered the “seat of reason and behavioral control”. If you haven’t noticed already, the moment you have an orgasm, you lose control of damn near everything. This little part of the brain is the reason that “pulling and praying” doesn’t always work. Your biological “common sense” gets hit with the veto button.

It actually makes perfect sense if you think about it. If your basic biological function is to reproduce, nature is going to make sure that you stay “in the coochie” for as long as humanly possible. Some doctors have stated that the brain, during an orgasm, looks much like the brain of a person taking heroin. In fact the similarities are 95 percent identical; it almost makes you want to reconsider that “Just Say No” campaign. In fact, I now look at strung-out junkies in a different light…  Just imagine if the male orgasm lasted as long as a heroine high, I’m sure I’d also breaking into houses stealing lawn furniture and toasters in an effort to pay for my next fix! 

Another interesting factor introduces itself when analyzing “The Anatomy of An Orgasm”. Not all brain reactions are the same in men and woman. When woman are intimate, a part of their brain stem called the periaqueductal gray (PAG) is activated. The PAG control the “flight or fight” response. Women’s brains also showed decreased activity in the amygdala and hippocampus, which deal with fear and anxiety. Some doctors theorize that these differences existed because women have more of a need to feel safe and relaxed in order to enjoy sex. In addition, the area of the cortex associated with pain is activated in woman, which shows that there is a distinct connection between pain and pleasure.

Now lets analyze how sex effects our social interactions. Many people have attachment problems when they lose their virginity. When I lost mine, I was a pussy-whipped pile of goo. I look back on it now and crack up laughing at the absurdity of how sure I was that I was “in love”. We’ll there’s a reason some of us go through that.

The pituitary gland is the cause of a lot of mixed emotions and confusion. This little guy controls the amount of beta-endorphins that are released into your blood stream. Endorphins are you like your body’s personal drug dealer. They give you a sense of well being and also do a great job of blocking pain. The pituitary also releases another lovely cocktail of hormones called oxytocin and vasopressin. Combined they give the illusion of trust and the bonding sensation we all call love. If you’re a pimple faced teenager – that is already going through a hormonal assault – including this additional brew of potency will only make you that much more criminally insane.

Since woman seem to be in a never ending state of emotional puberty, it’s no wonder they associate casual sex and love in one lump sum. (I’m gonna really catch some hell for making that comment). But even I can’t sit here and deny that for a few sporadic moments just before I spasm, and a few fleeting seconds afterward, I feel a pure unfiltered connection with the woman I’m with. I’m sure if a man’s orgasms lasted as long as a woman’s we’d all be singing a different tune.

I’ll never admit to being able to understand a woman completely but after researching all of this I have a better appreciation of the mental and emotional side of a woman’s “O” face. To all my fellas out there, especially the ones that are giving out the emotional long stroke, be careful how good the loving is, because the harder she cums the more clouded she’ll get. You’re working with forces that have ensured our species’ dominant place on this planet for thousands of years. You’re not just fucking her, you’re fucking Mother Nature.

Diggems

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Taking One For The Team

Posted in Offbeat News with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 22, 2009 by Diggems

barbie3I’ve never been a member of a frat. The whole idea of being physically and mentally punished for X amount of months just to become a member of something never struck me as favorable. I don’t have anything against greek life, I just don’t see all the hype about becoming a member. If community service was that big of a deal I could easily find other respectable ways of fulfilling my civic duty.

I ran across an article today that only reinforced my opinion regarding the whole thing. I understand that the shenanigans involved with the initiation process can be troublesome at times but this instance should make any man pause. The fraternity of Sigma Chi at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln is currently suspended for hazing. After an enlightening experience with the fraternity, former pledges are coming forward to describe their loyalty. Most of the hazing was silly encounters, cold showers, food being thrown on you, getting cursed out, but one particular right of passage stood out from the rest.

An unidentified pledge reported to the police about being sexually assaulted by a stripper. The young man in question was handcuffed to a wall, blind folded and anally rapped with a vibrator. Witnesses say the young man begged and pleaded for the stripper to stop. It is reported that his future fraternity brothers instigated the whole thing and convinced the stripper to continue. The following day the pledges brothers asked if he was alright, but according to the police report their apologies seemed slightly less than sincere. Charges are still pending.

Now let me get this straight. You want to be loved and respected so bad that you’re willing to let a “woman of the night” cornhole your dumb ass? I guess nothing says loyalty like having your prostate pushed in. What I don’t understand is what kind of guys would want a member of their little circle to be raped right in front of them?  What sick kind of brotherhood are you trying to form here?  How can you respectably say your fraternity’s name out loud with pride in your voice? 

“Come join Sigma Chi, we’ll push your shit in the right direction”.

All the blame can’t go to the frat guys.  Some of these sad bastards with esteem issues need to be scolded as well.  If you need that type of love and admiration on a constant basis then get a dog. That way all the shit you’ll be picking up won’t just be your own.

Diggems

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Would You Like That Booger Super-sized?

Posted in Offbeat News with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 15, 2009 by Diggems

Some of the absolute best advice that I received as a kid came from another pimple popping adolescent. To this day it still rings crystal clear to me.

Never mess with the people who prepare your food.”

This same friend would bring me to his place of employment for a free grub hook-up. Since he ran the small burger shop by himself, he would let me and a few other friends inside the kitchen where we would all hang out. As expected, some customer would pull up to the drive-through window; however, sometimes they would make some smart ass comment or just be extra aggravating. These were the times the “three ring service” would kick into full gear.

No matter what the person ordered, my friends made sure they gave their meal the extra attention it needed. Pubic hairs, boogers, ear wax all came standard. The joy in “food assassination” came with the creative ways to add an extra touch of gross to the order. If one of the fellas showed up fresh from some scally-wag’s house reeking of teenage poon-tang, you can bet your sweet ass that a hand full of sweaty vaginal juice coated balls would soon be added to the seasoning.

It quickly became quite a contest to see who could out-gross the other. I remember once there was a soda straw that the guys used to stir drinks. In a moment’s notice that same soda straw would sit in the hot stank crack of an ass for minutes, slowly being farted on and nudged ever so delicately towards the taint. They would even swirl it around the toilet bowl a couple of times – just for good measure.

I’m sorry for taking so long with that order sir, here’s a free drink on us,” it was service with a smile!

I say this because yesterday two employees of Domino’s Pizza thought it would be hilarious to record their high jinks and post the evidence on Youtube. The video spread like wild fire and within a matter of hours became a Youtube sensation. News hit Domino’s corporate office and the VP of Communications, Tim Mcintyre, immediately fired both employees. One of the employees Kristy Hammonds sent out an apology letter stating that it was all just a joke, and that none of the food she and Michael made actually went to a customer. I think we can all agree that this was a line of bullshit. I will give Domino’s credit for one thing though, they found out where the domino’s was located, who the employees were, fired them and released a statement within a 24 hours… If only the rest of corporate American ran this efficiently.

The sad conclusion to all of this is the reality of how common it really is. It’s pretty much a guarantee that, at some time in your life, you have, or will, come across some food that’s been tampered with. If you’re a notorious asshole to servers or waiters, it’s probably happened to you more frequently than you’d care to know. I wonder if the five second rule applies to shit straws and cheesy ear wax? So do yourself a favor, instead of expecting service with a smile, go the extra step and give good consumerism with a smile. I’m sure your immune system will thank you for it.

Diggems

UPDATE

The President of Domino’s, Patrick Doyle, made a youtube video explaining the situation.  I think he did a good job of trying to defuse this terrible event.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still no longer a fan of Domino’s, but at least he gave a gallant effort.

Diggems

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Yaaarrrr! Show Me Yer Booty 2!!!

Posted in Offbeat News with tags , , , , , , , on April 14, 2009 by Max

artpolarbear4

These guys are running rings around the world's most advanced navys...

Ok, this Somalia pirate thing is becoming overbearing. I’m ready for NATO, the UN, MADD, NAMBLA whoever, to put an end to this!

Seriously, how hard can it be to simply send a bunch of warships to the coast of Somalia and sink anyone that looks like they don’t belong? In fact, what happened to all those submarines we used to own?

On Tuesday April 14th, according to CNN, “Pirates on four skiffs seized the 5,000-ton MV Sea Horse, a Lebanese-owned and Togo-flagged vessel.”

Add this to what happened earlier Tuesday, where pirates hijacked the MV Irene EM, a Greek-owned bulk carrier in the Gulf of Aden, and it becomes quite apparent that these “pirates” don’t give a sh*t about… well… sh*t!

To highlight just how seriously NATO takes this matter, they recently launched “Operation Allied Protector” where four ships patrol over one million square miles of ocean. Wait… Four ships covering more than one million square miles of ocean!?! Maybe I’m underestimating the range of these ships, but doesn’t that seem a little… underwhelming?

Call me a skeptic, but I don’t think that this is exactly going to deter these pirates from continuing their operations. I think that the US and other countries really need to get serious about this matter as the first officer of the Maersk Alabama, Shane Murphy urged on the world to do on Monday. He was one of the crew members onboard the Maersk Alabama when Capt. Richard Phillips was taken hostage.

We would like to implore President Obama to use all of his resources and increase the commitment to ending this Somali pirate scourge,” the first officer said Monday. “Right now there are ships being taken. At sea, it’s a global community. It doesn’t come down to nations.”

He continued, “America has to be at the forefront of this. It’s time for us to step in and end this crisis. It’s a crisis. Wake up. This crew is lucky to be out of this with every one of us alive. We’re not going to be that lucky again.”

This is certainly one time when I wouldn’t mind seeing a gun toting cowboy like W. at the helm of the situation. I’m sure the conversation in the Oval Office with generals, admirals, and high ranking military personal would have been very short, in fact it probably would have gone something like this:

Bush: So tell me again what’s happening?

Navy officer: Well sir, we had pirates attack a US vessel off the coast of Somalia.

Bush: Somalia, thats in Africa right?

Navy officer: Yes Mr. President.

Bush: And they attacked our boys?

Navy officer: Yes Mr. President.

Bush: Well let’s go in there and kill the bastards!

Navy officer: Yes sir!

Situation resolved… Sometimes it pays to have a cowboy calling the shots!

Max

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Adding Insult to Injury

Posted in Offbeat News with tags , , , , , , , , on April 13, 2009 by Max

artpolarbearOk, this is becoming a running theme here at Daily Fits.

When will people learn to leave wild animals the f*ck alone? As we have already pointed out, wild animals earned the title “wild” in order to highlight the fact that, at any given time, they will tear your damn face off! I’m starting to think that people confuse “wild” animals with “Girls Gone Wild… NEWS FLASH: It ain’t the same kinda “wild“… One will get drunk and show you its tits; the other will eat your drunk ass, tits ‘n all. Case in point below!

This weekend, a lady visiting the Berlin Zoo climbed a fence and jumped into the polar bear habitat during feeding time!?! Berlin police say that they do not know what motivated her to attempt this daring maneuver. After giving it some thought, I have a few possibilities. Either she was either trying to commit suicide (duh), or she recently watched the exact same TV show on polar bears that I saw.

Personally, I think it was number two and here’s why. Discovery Channel recently aired a show on polar bears (which was very interesting by the way) called “King of the Arctic“. The show’s narrator expained that, per year, polar bears kill only eight humans on average which, according to the show, make polar bears less deadly than dogs. Now let me point out the slight flaw in this logic, and probably the one that this German lady neglected to factor into her decision, when she decided to stage dive into a polar bear pit. Unlike dogs, millions of people do not own polar bears as pets. I doubt that there is a huge percentage of Eskimos that own polar bears as “guard bears”. Chances are you won’t see any signs outside an Eskimo igloo stating “Beware of the bear – Trespassers will be viciously mauled to death”.

I think it’s safe to assume that bears kill so few humans because:

·         Hardly anyone lives in the regions that “polar” bears populate… As in, its f*cking cold where they hang out

·         The few people that do live around polar bears are probably smart enough to stay the f*ck out of their way

images3In Alaska there are guided tours that – for a few thousand dollars – allow you to interact with the bears from the safety of an armored bus. If polar bears are so safe I doubt tour organizers would make you stay inside the arctic equivalent of an armored Humvee would they?

So back to our German Genius (GG for short). Either she happened to jump into the polar bear paddock on a day that the bears were in a foul mood, or as I’ve stated, if given an opportunity, polar bears will kick your stupid ass if you get too close.

It appears that the German police were not amused by GG’s antics. In addition to being severely injured by multiple bite wounds (look closely at her face in the picture above, she doesn’t look like she’s having any fun…) the police also served her with a citation for trespassing… Ouch!

Now that’s what I call adding insult to injury

Max

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“I Said I Want Extra Shrimp… B%#ch!”

Posted in Offbeat News with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 9, 2009 by Max

Every once in a while, as an author, you come across a story that almost writes itself. Well this is one of those occasions; however, before I jump feet first into this adorable little tale, I want to preface it with a question.

Have you ever been to a restaurant, specifically somewhere like a Chinese food diner, and felt like you were skimped on your portions? Did you politely ask the server if you could have a little more… let’s say fried chicken, beef, or whatever it is that you felt was lacking? Well if you didn’t I understand why. Some people; however, aren’t willing to take such things lying down. Check this out…

Woman Calls 911 Complaining About Food Order

upsetEarlier this week Connie Chu, owner of A and D Buffalo in Haltom City, Texas, had a customer call 911 from within her restaurant. Apparently this woman was tired of being sh*tted on her meals and had finally reached the breaking point!

I said I’m going to get extra meat this time. But he didn’t even put extra shrimp in there,” the woman told a 911 dispatcher. “I asked him, ‘Can I get any extra shrimp, or can you give my money back?’ And he started hollering. So I just said, ‘I’m going to call the police.'”

According to the story, the lady left the restaurant before the police arrived; therefore, police were unable to identify her. It does makes you wonder though; did this woman have legitimate grounds for complaint? Ok, calling “the boys in blue” to complain that your sweet and sour shrimp was deliberately under-served may be a bit much, but what if this lady did actually receive a kiddy sized meal at an adult sized price?

In economic times such as these, major companies are using lots of tactics to offset a slowdown in consumer spending. Beverage makers are using less plastic in their bottles, which is why the size of Coca Cola bottle caps has been significantly reduced. Potato chip makers are shrinking bags and raising prices. Restaurants are decreasing their servings. Pizzerias are using fewer toppings. In nearly every facet of our economy you are seeing pullbacks.

So again, what if this lady did have a legitimate concern? The fact that the server may have yelled at her would have certainly added insult to injury under these circumstances.

When Alfredo Martinez, a regular patron at A and D Buffalo, was asked how much shrimp the restaurant usually gives him with his food he had this to say, “I don’t really count it, but a pretty good amount.”

Well going forward, I think he should count! Because he might walk in one day, order a shrimp fried rice, and walk away from the counter with two shrimp buried beneath a sh*t load of vegetables! And I have a feeling that Alfredo isn’t the type of dude to take sh*t like that with a smile!

Credit: cbs11tv.com

Max

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Yaaarrrr! Show Me Yer Booty!!!

Posted in Offbeat News with tags , , , , , , , , , , on April 8, 2009 by Max

dellaMany people don’t realize that piracy, just like pimpin’, ain’t dead. Nowadays when someone is accused of piracy, they are most likely guilty of bootlegging a CD or DVD. Well, this isn’t the type of piracy I’m referring to. I’m talking about old school “Pirates of the Caribbean” sh*t! Where a group of guys (and maybe girls) strap on a bunch of swords and guns, find a boat, and sail the high seas in search of victims to hijack!

It appears that the African nation of Somalia, especially, has a thriving piracy industry going. Today, a US cargo vessel became the latest victim, joining a British-owned cargo ship on Monday, in a rash of recent incidents off the coast of Somalia. Other victims include a 29 member Taiwanese fishing boat, a French yacht, a Yemeni tugboat and a German ship all within the past seven days. It’s become so bad that the US, China, Japan and other nations have deployed warships to the region.

According to assistant general secretary Mark Dickinson, of the UK ship masters’ union  Nautilus , “In Somalia, piracy is like a big, successful industry and the authorities there need to act. The pirates are treated like local heroes. People look up to them and girls want to marry them. They are seen by some locals as good people but they are ruthless.”

It is reported that Somalian pirates attacked or seized over 100 vessels in 2008 alone; with no end in sight.

Today’s victim, the “Maersk Alabama“, was carrying food aid to the East African nation of Kenya when it was attacked just off the coast of Somalia. Using tactics similar to the “Rebel Alliance” in Star Wars, these pirates use large “Mother Ships” to travel far out to sea, and then once a victim has been spotted, smaller attack vessels are deployed to attack or hijack the target.

dollarIt makes one wonder, are global economic situations so bad that crooks are now forced to resort to tactics made popular in the days of Christopher Columbus? What’s next, a rise in gas prices leading to a sudden spike in horse-drawn carriage car jackings? Do I now have to be on the lookout for gay men in green tights swinging around on ropes, looking for rich people to relieve of their gold?

I have a feeling it’s just a matter of time before one of the major cruise lines becomes a victim of this new wave of piracy… And just think, they used to be called “the friendly seas”…

Max

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