Taking One For The Team

I’ve never been a member of a frat. The whole idea of being physically and mentally punished for X amount of months just to become a member of something never struck me as favorable. I don’t have anything against greek life, I just don’t see all the hype about becoming a member. If community service was that big of a deal I could easily find other respectable ways of fulfilling my civic duty.

I ran across an article today that only reinforced my opinion regarding the whole thing. I understand that the shenanigans involved with the initiation process can be troublesome at times but this instance should make any man pause. The fraternity of Sigma Chi at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln is currently suspended for hazing. After an enlightening experience with the fraternity, former pledges are coming forward to describe their loyalty. Most of the hazing was silly encounters, cold showers, food being thrown on you, getting cursed out, but one particular right of passage stood out from the rest.

An unidentified pledge reported to the police about being sexually assaulted by a stripper. The young man in question was handcuffed to a wall, blind folded and anally rapped with a vibrator. Witnesses say the young man begged and pleaded for the stripper to stop. It is reported that his future fraternity brothers instigated the whole thing and convinced the stripper to continue. The following day the pledges brothers asked if he was alright, but according to the police report their apologies seemed slightly less than sincere. Charges are still pending.

Now let me get this straight. You want to be loved and respected so bad that you’re willing to let a “woman of the night” cornhole your dumb ass? I guess nothing says loyalty like having your prostate pushed in. What I don’t understand is what kind of guys would want a member of their little circle to be raped right in front of them?  What sick kind of brotherhood are you trying to form here?  How can you respectably say your fraternity’s name out loud with pride in your voice? 

“Come join Sigma Chi, we’ll push your shit in the right direction”.

All the blame can’t go to the frat guys.  Some of these sad bastards with esteem issues need to be scolded as well.  If you need that type of love and admiration on a constant basis then get a dog. That way all the shit you’ll be picking up won’t just be your own.

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But They Look so Cute…

Now I don’t know what the hell is going on in Europe, but it’s starting to look like a place that I need to avoid. Between the earthquakes, the protests, and the wife sharing, our friends on the other side of the pond are giving me ample resources to proudly stand here on my digital soapbox. It’s only April and I already have a shoo-in for the “Dumb Ass of the Year” award. Our candidate’s name is Alexander Kirilov of Russia.

Alexander, in all of his grand wisdom, thought it would be funny to sneak up behind a raccoon (stay tuned it gets better). Now I know all of you city dwellers out there probably think that raccoons are cute cuddly little animals that wear an adorable black mask, and romp around the forest singing songs and passing out candy. Wrong! They are wild animals, and as a general rule, if you live in the wild, you have to have some tactics for self preservation in order to maintain your place on the food chain. Alexander quickly got himself a lesson in Darwinism.

But wait a second, the vodka must have really been flowing on this particular night, because in addition to creeping up behind a wild animal unannounced, Alexander thought it would be even funnier to defile our furry little woodland friend and take its innocence. Yes, you read that correctly, Alexander decided to forget the whole “feed ’em bread crumbs” routine and instead went straight into animal rape mode. Based upon this, I have a few questions for Alexander:

1. Why are you walking around frigid ass Russia with your d*ck swinging in the wind?
2. Did your family ever drink the water from Chernobyl?
3. Are the women in the former USSR so hideous that we’ve now turned to sodomizing the woodland creatures?
4. I heard Russian vodka was good… but damn. I never want to be drunk to point that I say, “Look at the furry haunches on that one”.
5. None of his friends paused for even a second to say, “Hey Alexander that might not be such a good idea?”
6. How in the hell does a drunk man catch a raccoon? I have a hard enough time catching a cab when I’m drunk, much less a ‘roided up rodent.

Despite Alexander’s “romantic” advances, our little black and white vermin decided he had other plans. What Alexander quickly found out was that “Mittens the Raccoon” was nobody’s bitch. It’s a safe bet that Mittens reaction will be talked about in woodland lore for generations to come. Upon Alexander’s uninvited attempt to mount said creature, it spun around and relieved our Russian friend of his “hammer and sickle”.

Which leads to another question, this time for the raccoon, “Did you wash your hands when you finished your meal?”

So, let’s flash-forward to the trauma center where the surgeons were desperately trying to restore Alexander’s manhood. According to reports, they broke the news to poor Alexander that they may be able to get his plumbing working again, but as far as the piping was concerned there was nothing they could do. His penis is gone forever.

It appears Mittens was the wrong ‘coon to f*ck with.

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Instant Rapelay

I didn’t think it was possible, but someone has figured out a way to outdo Grand Theft Auto in the depravity department. A new hit videogame has stumbled upon the open streets of Japan. From the looks of things it’s already available on the shores of the good ol’ US. What could possibly be more sordid than the mega hit franchise video game Grand Theft Auto which revels in the idea of theft, murder, and casual sex? What could be worse than a game that was renounced by the likes of politicos such as Lieberman and Hillary Clinton.

Well, leave it the Japanese to find a new way to up the ante with (drum roll please) a rape game. That’s right, you heard me correctly, a rape videogame. Let’s be clear, I’m already well aware of the difference between the Japanese culture and our own. In fact, I used to think that nothing could surprise me regarding their curiosity toward human sexuality. I’ve seen everything from vending machines selling used teenage girls underwear, to pornographic anime. But this is a line even I didn’t see them crossing.

The game is called Rapelay. Here’s an insert from one video game reviewer.

The game begins with a man standing on a subway platform, stalking a girl in a blue sundress. On the platform, you can click “prayer” to summon a wind that lifts her skirt. She blushes. Once she’s on the train, the assault begins. Inside the subway car, you can use the mouse to grope your victim as you stand in a crowd of mute, translucent commuters. From here, your character corners his victim—in a station bathroom, or in a park with the help of male friends—and a series of interactive rape scenes begins.

Early on, RapeLay operates like a visual novel—the exposition comes via text that scrolls over a series of static images, explaining your character’s plan to enslave three women one by one, and his eerie delight in the premeditation. Although the interactive assaults are difficult to endure if you have a conscience, the game’s text actually provides the most unsettling material. RapeLay relies on the horrendous, wildly sexist fantasy that rape victims enjoy being attacked. After the exposition, the game essentially becomes a simulator of consensual intercourse. There’s kissing. The women orgasm.

Alright stop the damn press! This is ridiculous. Who buys this s**t? I just don’t get it! I’m as much of a freak as any typical guy. In fact two of the things I love the best are sex and video games. I couldn’t think of a better time than getting my knob polished and playing Madden 2009 at the same time, but this is different. This is sick. A lot of money, time, and manpower go into making today’s videogames. It’s not like it was back in the 80’s when two guys sat in their mom’s garage drinking beer typing out code for Ms. Pacman. Many of these video game production companies have a very large staff. Who bank rolls this crap?

Can you imagine the staff meeting? Mr. Wong walks into the room with a beaming smile on his face. He’s carrying a presentation board. His colleagues sit in front of him at a circular table. He places the placard on the holder and clears his throat.

“I’ve got this great idea guys. Instead of just making games with silly little animals solving puzzles and collecting coins, I think we should put our skills to better use and start putting these bitches in their place.”

A hush fall over the room, the company’s financier sits at the table twiddling his thumbs. He muses for a moment and finally speaks. “What do you have in mind?’

“Check this out”. Mr Wong unveils his placard. On the sign is a picture of a frenzied man dry-humping the leg of a woman. “Let’s start raping these hoes man!”

The financier says nothing. Slowly the corners of his mouth turn. His eyes gleam in delight. “By George I think you’ve got. Somebody here give Mr. Wong a raise. That’s the type of innovative thinking this company needs.”

We’ve got to nip this in the bud now before it gets out of control. It’s only a matter of time before we start seeing games like:

Cellblock – You have to survive a 3 year bid in San Quinton by shiving your enemies and anal raping your way to the top. Salad tossing earns bonus levels.

The Foster Home Adventures – You and your meth huffing wife must molest and pimp out your foster kids in order to earn money to pay your coke dealer. Ashing cigarettes on the arms of the little ones has never been more fun.

The Klanning – Be the first to string up the darkies and whip your way into becoming a powerful grand dragon. Don’t let those silly Negro’s find the Underground Railroad.

It’s gotta stop…

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