Archive for the Quik F’its Category

Quik F’its

Posted in Quik F'its with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on March 20, 2009 by Max

I think I’m going to call this week’s edition of Quik F’its “THIS IS F**KING OUTRAGEOUS“, because a lot of off-the-wall sh*t has occurred over the past seven days! First up…

The Olympics aren’t the only things that are Special!
This country needs to hurry up and legalize pot! I now understand why so many Americans die from heart attacks and ailments brought on by high blood pressure and stress.

No, no. I have been practicing,” Obama said. “I bowled a 129. It’s like — it was like Special Olympics, or something.”

This comment by the president has sparked a firestorm of outrage… mostly by right-wing press outlets looking for any method available to distract Americans. During a time when many are seriously suffering, why do comments like these even warrant attention?

Some people are outraged at the fact that Obama was even on Jay Leno’s late night show; taking his appearance as categorical evidence that Obama could give a shit about the nation’s current crises. Don’t believe me?

—————————————–
March 20th, 2009 12:55 pm ET

What the heck is the President of the United States doing on a late night comedy show anyway??

Especially as Russia rearms itself, Iran has nukes, the economy is in the toilet etc etc….

Wake Up America!!
——————————————
That very poignant statement comes from the comment section in a CNN article about Obama’s visit to the Leno Show. Ok point taken, we face some serious problems, but does the commenter really think that the president was presented with two options by his chief of staff?

Option one, Mr. President, is that you can stay here in Washington and talk Iran out of developing nukes, fix the nations sh*tty economy and solve global warming. Option two, you can hang out with Jay Leno, talk sh*t and tell insensitive jokes!”

And I’m guessing the commenter above feels that, after being presented with the two options, Obama sat in the Oval Office for a second with his hand on this chin in deep thought, and then with a watermelon smile exclaimed, “I’LL DO LENO!”

Again, this is a country that needs to seriously explore the idea of legalizing weed. Even if we start from a position that, as Diggems discussed with California’s Prop 215, allows the states to enact their own rules governing usage…

It sux 2 b u!
This week, prison authorities at Corcoran State Prison released this latest picture of, the now old and gray, Charles Manson. It was noted how the wild-eyed, crazy ass stare is no longer present, but instead has been replaced by what looks like utter defeat. I guess 40 years of being someone’s prison bitch will do that to ya…

Actually Manson is supposedly locked in protective custody, which usually happens when someone is convicted of killing 8 people, including a pregnant woman!

Not too much else to say about this one really; although, I did catch this press release from the prison on the internet…

Corcoran State Prison – come for the hor’ dourves, stay for the vicious three hour ass rapings!”

Speaking of vicious ass rapings…
Since when did it become en vogue for the government to dictate how, when, and how much someone gets paid? The bullsh*t that passed for politics this week was simply staggering.

Now, I know many of you won’t agree with me on this one, but seriously – since when did it become a crime for a company to compensate someone for a piss-poor performance on the job? Sh*t, if that’s the case, I can name at least 100 people that the govenment need to seriously consider recouping every dollar from – starting with George W. Bush (who, like AIG, also got paid with tax payer dollars), and ending with the androgynous (definition: having both masculine and feminine characteristics) guy at Wendy’s that put mustard on my burger when I clearly stated that I did NOT want MUSTARD!

Look, I understand where all the outrage is aimed, and I understand why “ethically”, taxing these guys to death on their bonuses might be the right thing to do, but everyone (with a brain) knows that ethics and politics do not share the same space; which is why we have a political system that thrives on cronyism, earmarks, pork barrel projects and general underhandedness.
 
Seriously, because of his ties to the labor unions, Obama himself is guilty of the exact same cronyism that allows our dysfunctional auto industry to continue to inject itself with the public’s tax dollars like a withdrawing heroin addict. Where’s that outrage?
 

Well that’s fine I guess, I just hope that the government doesn’t wake up one morning and decide it’s going to tax people at 90% because they didn’t declare their undying love for the president, or tax people at 90% because they are engaged in a homosexual relationship, or tax people at 90% because they are black, or tax people at 90% because they are old, or tax peop… You get the point!

 
Well, that’s the week of March 14th through March 20th, thanks for all of the emails. I’m going to start posting some of the funnier ones – some of you guys crack me up!
 

Oh yeah… before I forget
Fellas if you were planning on putting Donte’ Stallworth in your 2009 fantasy league, you may want to reconsider. For those that don’t know, Stallworth is an NFL wide receiver who formerly played for the New England Patriots, Philadelphia Eagles, and recently signed a $35 million dollar, seven year contract with the Cleveland Browns.

At 7 a.m. on Saturday March 14th Stallworth was accused of striking and killing Mario Reyes with his Bentley; Reyes was on foot. To his credit, Stallworth immediately issued a statement and began cooperating with the police…

Well it is now being reported that Stallworth was intoxicated with a blood alcohol level of between 0.08 and 0.16, which if charged with DUI manslaughter could have Stallworth facing a maximum 15-year prison sentence.
 
This could be shaping up to be the worst off-season in NFL history
 
Max

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Max’s Quik F’its!

Posted in Quik F'its with tags , , , , , , , on February 27, 2009 by Max

Well it’s Friday, so that means it’s time to examine the week that was. From crazy women with too many children, to crazy children with too much game, let’s look back…

Why do women with lots of kids love the limelight?
Nadya Suleman, like Sarah Palin, just won’t go away! She told Dr. Phil that having the octuplets was now a “mistake”.

Unlike most, I have honestly tried my best to ignore this chick. But like most sideshow performances, eventually you seem to get sucked in against your own freewill.

For me, the icing on this cake was the offer for $1,000,000 by Vivid Entertainment, the worlds largest pornography producer, for Suleman to appear in several films. When the porn industry comes knocking, you know that any hope you had of being taken seriously is out the window. Fortunately she turned the offer down, albeit with a slight caveat, “Of course, if I have more kids I may have to ask for $2 million”. What a joke!

<—- This guy has the crooked-est smile ever…
If you had an opportunity to see Gov. Bobby Jindal give his speech after the Obama congressional address, you had the opportunity to see one of the worst speeches ever. Don’t get me wrong, the substance of the speech was pure Republican/Conservative politics. What was so painful for most; however, was the stilted, scripted, and largely flat delivery.

Obviously an Obama speech is a tough act to follow, but Jindal’s performance was bad enough to make even George Bush wince. Sorry Republicans, it might be time to dust off another robot, ’cause this guy’s extra rusty…

Pimpin’ ain’t easy, and these days it ain’t fun either!
One count of child prostitution and three counts of pandering, or serving as a go-between or liaison for sexual purposes. Nine counts of child prostitution, two counts of receiving earnings of a prostitute, and one count of pandering. These are the charges facing sixteen year olds Tatiana Tye and Jazmine Finley respectively.

These are all felony charges, and highlight just how deeply involved these young ladies were in their profession of choice. According to prosecutors, Tye and Finley were able to recruit the young prostitutes by pointing out “all the money they would be making. Additionally, they were told that it was better working for them as opposed to male pimps because they would not get beat up.” Well sign me up!

As I’ve mentioned before, this is one of those stories that is simply hard to swallow.

According to Tye’s grandmother, “I want (people) to know that my little granddaughter, she is a loving person. She smiles all the time … she’s a little confused, but that’s no reason, and people shouldn’t sit and judge people. I just don’t like that. You don’t know the facts, you don’t know the truth, don’t do that.

She then went on to say, “Pay attention to your kids. If you’re a grandparent, pay attention to your grandchildren, because you never know what they’re up to. This is a big mess, and that’s what it is.

Yeah thanks, but excuse me if I don’t rush to take child rearing advice from the grandmother of a sixteen year old female ex-pimp…

Max

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Diggems’ Quik F’its!

Posted in Quik F'its with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2009 by Diggems

I’m really starting to get sick of the “octuplets mom”.  Only in America can you become famous for being a test tube’s whore.  Now her eight new welfare candidates run the risk of being orphaned due to the recent increase in death threats she’s received.  I guess the Wayans family wants its title back.  My advice is to ship the whole family over to Singapore.  I’m sure Nike has plenty of room for the little crumb snatchers making shoelace tips at 35 cents a day.

rihanna2Rihanna’s police photos hit the web today.  Oooops did I say hit.  My bad.  They’re not as horrible as the media would have you believe.  Between Chris Brown’s comical apology, and these over hyped photo’s, I’m officially done with the whole thing.  It’s not a major loss I suppose.  Chris would never have been as good as Michael anyways.

michael-jacksonSpeaking of Michael.  Mr. Jackson put Neverland up for sale.  Over 200 of Mike’s personal belongings hit the auction block.  His famous crystal encrusted white glove is expected to sell for over $10,000.  It’ll actually cost you $15,000 if you want to keep the scent of little boy’s booty holes on the index finger…

Well, that’s it for this week.  Thanks to everyone who helped spread the word.  The growth of this site has left us all extremely grateful.  You keep reading em and we’ll keep writing em.

Diggems

Max’s Quik F’its!

Posted in Quik F'its with tags , , , , , , , , on February 20, 2009 by Max

evilmonkeybuisnesssuit1Well for Daily F**k Its, week number three has drawn to a swift conclusion. I actually spent the end of last week and first half of this week feeling crappier than two day old sh*t (thanks A. A.)!

Word of advice, if you’re going to catch a nasty flu bug from someone, you want to first make sure that they don’t have the physical constitution of a race horse, because if they can catch a flu bug that knocks them out, when they transfer that bad boy to your weak and frail frame… Well let’s just put it this way… Saturday and Sunday I barely had enough strength to breath, let alone walk and talk!

Anyway, this has been another great week for our site! I want to thank all of our readers! To be honest, from a “news” perspective, compared to last week, this week has been pretty uneventful. No low speed car chases through Diggems’ Hollywood neighborhood, no teen singing sensations face-planting their superstar girlfriends on the sidewalk in public. This week it was just the normal stuff; $1 Trillion dollar stimulus packages, plane crashes, and monkeys beating the sh*t out of little ol’ ladies!

Oh yeah, we did have the All-star Game on Sunday, which I didn’t watch. They play that particular game like they don’t care, so I watched another channel like I didn’t care either. I was actually invited to go to Phoenix for All-star weekend but decided well in advance that I didn’t want to run the risk of getting mugged by someone like…

<— This guy! Or these guys! —>

 Just kidding! Mr. Iverson’s actually sporting a brand new hairdo, although somehow he still has a big thick “part” down the middle of a low fade?!? But I guess that just isn’t going anywhere! Anyhoo…

Thanks for the $3,333!
That is your contribution to the stimulus package, along with every other man, woman, and child in America. I figured that out by myself, so it could be off by a couple of thousand bucks…

As much as people complain about their tax dollars being “mis”-used, I still ask the same question, “What difference does it make what your tax dollars are used for? It’s not like you’re paying any less in taxes whether they pay for a war in Iraq, sex education for immigrants, or foreclosure relief for millions of Americans!” When I give a homeless person a dollar, I don’t grill the guy about whether he’ll buy a bottle of booze, a sandwich, or a vial of crack with the loot, either way its money gone.

I think it is flawed to complain about the usage of “your” tax dollars (they’re never really yours)… You elect the guy that spends the money, so you don’t get to bitch and whine if he decides to spend your money launching nukes up the ass of dark people in other countries…

This is One of Those Times Where Hindsight Kinda Sucks…
This week we all heard about the plane crashing into the house in Buffalo! Not really that much to see here; although, now their claiming that the pilots on board were inexperienced, and didn’t have “enough training”. Ooops! Isn’t that something you probably want to determine before you load up the plane with passengers and luggage, and fire the damn thing into the sky?!?

My Two Favorite Things: Monkeys and Midgets
ti-gunsI usually don’t share the above information with anyone… But there is just something really funny to me about really short people or primates in grown up peoples clothes! Anyway, the chimpanzee that attacked Carla Nash on Monday February 16th gets a huge “F” for Fail.

ti-guns3First of all, instead of being short, cute and funny like Chim-Chim from Speed Racer, that f**ker was big, pissed and wrinkled like Della Reese in Harlem Nights! And then, instead of clowning around for bananas ‘n sh*t like most monkeys, this one went on a several hour long murderous rampage for no apparent reason! Its hard to find anything humorous about this story, unless – of course – you find the fact that it was drugged with anti-anxiety pill Xanax, stabbed repeatedly, hit with a shovel, and then finally shot several times before it would die – funny!

I guess there’s a moral in that story somewhere, but for now I’ll quit while I’m ahead. Anyway, again thanks for reading us this week farewell, adieu, and que te cuides!

Ps. As always, we’ll be back bright and early on Monday with brand new content. Also, if you haven’t already, hop over and check out our sister site Sex.Money.Politics. (SMP)!

Pss. Tell your friends about us!

Max

Diggems’ Quik F’its!

Posted in Quik F'its with tags , , , , , , on February 13, 2009 by Diggems

Well the week is over, and it’s been an interesting one. Let’s look at some events that occured this week in history…

Happy Birthday!
Abraham Lincoln (200 yr), NAACP (100 yr), and Charles Darwin (200 yr) . You may not have noticed, but they all hit their various century marks, and all on the exact same day. It’s interesting how these three tie together.

One discovered that black people don’t make very good slaves (too needy with all that freedom stuff), the other insured the advancement of those same black people, and the final one helped modern day scientist understand that we all came from black people.

For All of You Love Birds Awaiting the Day of Love
Diggems cute facts about Valentines Day:
1. As early as fourth century BC, Romans celebrated the holiday by creating a box and putting the names of teenage girls in it. The adolescent males then drew from the box and selected their soon to be companions. The chosen girl was then forced to give up the “juice box” for the remainder of the year; after which another lottery was conducted, and a new girl was selected. This tradition went on for 800 years.

2. The real St. Valentine was actually condemned to die for attempting to convert the pagan king. While in prison for his crime, Valentine fell in love with the jailer’s daughter. On his execution day, Valentine wrote the young lady his final note. It simply said “From your Valentine”. He was then slowly buried up to his neck in dirt, properly stoned, and promptly beheaded. I bet Hallmark ain’t got a card for that sh*t.

Diggems

Max’s Quik F’its!

Posted in Quik F'its with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on February 13, 2009 by Max

Well hasn’t this been an interesting week… It was the old school rap group Whodini that said the “Freaks Come Out at Night“, but this year apparently the Freaks also decided to come out during Grammy Week…

First… Whose idea was it to pair Stevie Wonder with…

These Guys!
For once, I’m actually glad that Stevie Wonder is blind… Because being forced to watch a recording of this sh*tty performance would most certainly have lead to him tearing his own eyes out!

I mean seriously! The Jonas Brothers claim to be virgins, proudly waving their “Purity Rings” around in public for all to see. NEWSFLASH guys, of course you’re virgins… Everyone knows Barbie Dolls do not have real vaginas, and since Barbie is the closest you plastic Ken doll look-alikes will come to actually screwing a woman, for now you are all safe from catching a serious case of Mattel Herpes. Which leads me to…

Everyone’s Favorite Woman Beater

If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times… If your girlfriend is getting on your nerves, it’s probably not a good idea to go in the living room and watch reruns of “What’s love got to Do With it” in order to cool off!

By now I’m sure you’ve heard all the rumors surrounding this unfortunate incident. Reports of young Chris Breezy biting Rihanna, stories claiming that Rihanna gave Mr. Brown herpes, et cetera, et cetera…

What we do know is that, like poor Mr. Phelps, Mr. Brown is currently the victim of a media assassination. Radio stations, sponsors, even fellow artists are treating the guy like a three week old peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Rapper T.I. was forced to retract statements he made earlier in the week when MTV first reported that he initially said, “I told him, ‘This too shall pass.’ We’re celebrities, we’re entertainers, but we’re still human — all of us, don’t expect us not to make mistakes, because we will.”

T.I. apparently then had a change of heart, because he later came back and said… “After careful consideration, I realized I made the mistake of commenting before understanding the situation. I myself am no stranger to media scrutiny. My only intention was to support both Rihanna and Chris during these times. My heart goes out to both of them.

Now let’s put this in perspective… You know you’re in some real sh*t when T.I., a guy who has been convicted of purchasing enough guns and ammo to fund a small army, decides you (Chris Brown) are just a little too controversial, even for his taste…

Isn’t that a little like a death row inmate telling a chick that he doesn’t want to have sex right now, because he is saving himself for the “right” woman… That’s when you know you’re sh*t is looking ugly!

Really Quik
This Rick Ross/50 Cent drama is taking a turn for the absurd. Tupac and Biggie are probably turning over in their graves at the thought of grown men using cartoons (50 goes after Rick and then Rick comes back at 50) as a way of taking shots at one another…

Really Really Quik
Who do you think will “change” first, Washington or Obama? So far I’ve still got my money on Washington causing Obama to “lose hope“; there is simply too much partisanship for anything important to get done in that town!

Anyway, that’s pretty much it from me and Diggems for this week… We hope you enjoyed the content! If you haven’t already, head over to Sex.Money.Politics and check out more great content from our sister site!

Max

Quik F’its…

Posted in Quik F'its with tags , , , , , , on February 6, 2009 by Max

Golden Boy to Black Sheep
Ok, things just don’t seem to be going too well for our friend Michael Phelps. I’m sure you’ve already heard the bad news (for him). First he has been barred from competitive swimming for three months and perhaps even more damaging, his endorsement deal has been dropped by Kellogg’s!

I have yet to speak to a single person that doesn’t sympathize with Phelps for this whole episode. Most people see this as a public lynching and gross over-reaction. Also, I have yet to speak to a single person that hasn’t said, “Did you see the size of that damn bong!” I guess the dude also has some Olympic sized lungs…

Can you think of another “Golden Boy” that has fallen so far from grace so fast, and so soon after reaching the top of the world?

Maybe Change Ain’t so Easy
This week has been home to some pretty interesting political developments. Unless you live under a really big rock, you already know about the massive “bailout, recovery, stimulus plan” that President Obama is trying to funnel through the Senate.

It seems our idealistic president is getting a firsthand lesson in just how broken and partisan the political process is in Washington. On the other hand, for a guy that campaigned on change, very little “change” has taken place so far, the most glaring occurrence of this being the Tom Daschle debacle. I’m not saying that Obama won’t live up to his campaign promises, or that he doesn’t genuinely intend to change the way business is conducted in the nation’s capital, what I am saying; however, is that the change he promised ain’t gonna come easy. Which leads me to…

Dick Cheney Scares Me!
First of all, I’m afraid of any man that has balls big enough to let people call him Dick… Wait… that didn’t come out right… Never mind you get what I’m saying. Seriously, I actually know a couple of guys named Dick, and without exception they are all d*cks… I guess you do inherit the implied meaning of your name! Which would explain why Tiger is such an animal on the golf course and Rocky was so damn hard to knock out, but I digress…

This week Cheney made news with some comments that he made to political news site Politico.com. It appears that Mr. Cheney is still a little salty at President Obama for being born. When asked by the site about the Bush Administration’s policies pertaining to terrorism, Cheney stayed steadfast in his defense. He also had some biting words for the Obama Administration saying, “When we get people who are more concerned about reading the rights to an Al Qaeda terrorist than they are with protecting the United States against people who are absolutely committed to do anything they can to kill Americans, then I worry.”

I actually don’t disagree with much of Cheney’s premise. It is true that protecting the country’s security is, quote “a tough, mean, dirty, nasty business.” However, I do not feel that it is necessarily productive for a former V.P. to undermine the efforts of a new administration so soon. In the end, I guess one can’t be too surprised by Cheney’s apparent lack of candor, after all his name is Dick…

Finally…

Why Won’t She Just Go Away!
Sarah Palin is quoted in an Esquire interview as saying, “Bored, anonymous, pathetic bloggers who lie annoy me.” I agree, lies are bad and I understand why she would be so upset at any misrepresentation or insulting comments thrown her way. So I have come up with a fool proof method by which Sarah Palin can finally and effectively eliminate all that negativity and hatred that is thrown her way…

Go Away! That’s it. Just leave. No goodbyes needed. Simply grab Track, Trig, Bristol, Willow, and Piper and continue your life in obscurity… Just like things were before John McCain used you to ruin his political campaign.

Well that’s it for this week. I hope you’ve enjoyed our first official week in business… Look for these “Quik F’its” every Friday, and even more great full length content during the week!

Buena suerte y Adios!

Max