But They Look so Cute…

Now I don’t know what the hell is going on in Europe, but it’s starting to look like a place that I need to avoid. Between the earthquakes, the protests, and the wife sharing, our friends on the other side of the pond are giving me ample resources to proudly stand here on my digital soapbox. It’s only April and I already have a shoo-in for the “Dumb Ass of the Year” award. Our candidate’s name is Alexander Kirilov of Russia.

Alexander, in all of his grand wisdom, thought it would be funny to sneak up behind a raccoon (stay tuned it gets better). Now I know all of you city dwellers out there probably think that raccoons are cute cuddly little animals that wear an adorable black mask, and romp around the forest singing songs and passing out candy. Wrong! They are wild animals, and as a general rule, if you live in the wild, you have to have some tactics for self preservation in order to maintain your place on the food chain. Alexander quickly got himself a lesson in Darwinism.

But wait a second, the vodka must have really been flowing on this particular night, because in addition to creeping up behind a wild animal unannounced, Alexander thought it would be even funnier to defile our furry little woodland friend and take its innocence. Yes, you read that correctly, Alexander decided to forget the whole “feed ’em bread crumbs” routine and instead went straight into animal rape mode. Based upon this, I have a few questions for Alexander:

  1. Why are you walking around frigid ass Russia with your d*ck swinging in the wind?
  2. Did your family ever drink the water from Chernobyl?
  3. Are the women in the former USSR so hideous that we’ve now turned to sodomizing the woodland creatures?
  4. I heard Russian vodka was good… but damn. I never want to be drunk to point that I say, “Look at the furry haunches on that one”.
  5. None of his friends paused for even a second to say, “Hey Alexander that might not be such a good idea?
  6. How in the hell does a drunk man catch a raccoon? I have a hard enough time catching a cab when I’m drunk, much less a ‘roided up rodent.

cops-20th-anniversary-edition-artDespite Alexander’s “romantic” advances, our little black and white vermin decided he had other plans. What Alexander quickly found out was that “Mittens the Raccoon” was nobody’s bitch. It’s a safe bet that Mittens reaction will be talked about in woodland lore for generations to come. Upon Alexander’s uninvited attempt to mount said creature, it spun around and relieved our Russian friend of his “hammer and sickle”.

Which leads to another question, this time for the raccoon, “Did you wash your hands when you finished your meal?”

So, let’s flash-forward to the trauma center where the surgeons were desperately trying to restore Alexander’s manhood. According to reports, they broke the news to poor Alexander that they may be able to get his plumbing working again, but as far as the piping was concerned there was nothing they could do. His penis is gone forever.

It appears Mittens was the wrong ‘coon to f*ck with.


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