Archive for the Real Talk Category

The Live-In Part 2

Posted in Real Talk with tags , , , , , , , , on July 23, 2009 by Diggems

Welcome to part 2 of living with your lady. I’m sure the women are already storming the gates and deploying specialized assassins to bring my head back on a pike. It wouldn’t be the first time. It’s ok ladies I’m just looking out for my fellow “brothers in arms”. Sit back and enjoy part 2…

Fun Police
Now that you’re all moved in and spending quality time, the next new awaking is the introduction to the fun police. From this point forth all fun has to be accountable and controlled by her. You are no longer allowed to enjoy yourself unless it involves her in some form or fashion.

You remember the day when you could just leave the house, hang out with the fellas, have the time of your life and tell her about it later. Yeah bro, those days are over. Now, fun must be handled with a similar mentality of a dope boy slanging crack rocks. You have to be crafty when you do it. You can’t let the whole world know you’re doing it, and you always have to be on the lookout for the fun police when in public. Nothing will piss your lady off more than her knowing that you’re enjoying yourself without her!

Checking in and Curfews
Whatever Diggems, I’m a grown man. I don’t have a curfew. I wish my lady would tell me when and where I need to be. She’s not my momma!”

Ahhh yes, male pride. I remember when I use to have that. The funny thing about having another mother is that you actually start to appreciate your real one. At least when you were a kid and missed your curfew you were grounded for a few day and then she left you alone.

As a grown man with a live-in girlfriend you don’t have the luxury of being left alone. Instead you get the never-ending argument of where you were, who you were with and what you were doing; then to top it off you have to sleep next to her. Can you imagine getting bitched out by your mom at the tender age of 14 and then having to sleep next to her when she’s done? At first your pride does nothing but get you in more trouble. You try to explain things. You take a stand. You win battle after battle. But then, finally, one day you just lose the will to fight. She wins the war. They always do.

Friends
When you guys were dating, all your friends loved your lady and she loved them. She was the cool chick that was down for whatever. She was a part of the circle.

Now that you live with her, all of a sudden, you spend entirely too much time with your friends. Every instance of interaction with your pals ends in an argument of who you want to be with more. You can’t even bring her around as often anymore because of the underlying tension. If they come over to your place your girl gives you her best stank bitch impersonation, and it’s always spot on. You end up sneaking around to see your friends as if it’s some type of twisted love affair.

Hey man, she just left. Can I come by?” You whisper like an escaping convict.

Sure. Does she know you’re coming over?” Your friend replies, showing true concern for your safety.

No. So I can only stay for the first half of the game,” you utter like a whipped dog.

Dude! You are such a bitch.

I know man, I know,” you admit like the bitch you’ve become.

Stay tuned for the conclusion. The Live-In part 3

Diggems

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The Live-in Part 1

Posted in Real Talk with tags , , , , , , on July 21, 2009 by Diggems

The set up
You’ve found the perfect girl. She’s hot, funny, your friends love her, the sex is incredible and you even like the same stupid things.

One day while the both of you are out eating ice cream, she hits you with a question, “Where do you think this relationship is heading?”

You’re so shocked to hear this that you damn near choke on your creamy delight. All you can think is, “please don’t talk about marriage.”

Then she hits you with it, “I think we should move in together.”

You’re instantly relieved because it’s not what you thought it would be. Now your guard is down and she has you exactly where she wants you. Take it from me man. Don’t do it. Drop the ice-cream and run. Don’t look back just keep running. Run like Freddy Kruger is on your ass. Run like the police found a murder weapon with your finger prints, run for your fucking life.

Don’t Do It!
I know what your probably thinking. Not my girl man. She’s great. We laugh, talk, get along, everybody loves her, it’s all good man. Yeah, that’s what me and many other defeated men said as well. Many of my friends tried to warn me, my dad even tried to warn me; in fact every man who’s ever lived with their woman for more than a year all said the exact same thing, “Think that shit through man, don’t rush it, believe me.”

And now here I am saying the same gems that were passed along to me that I duly ignored. Think it out man. Really think it out.

I’ve composed a few things that you are guaranteed to go through if you decide not to listen to me. I wouldn’t really call it advice. It’s more like an explanation of the process that you’re going to go through. What kind of man would I be if I didn’t warn you.

The Move In
First things first. Now that you’ve told the lady of your life that you are willing and wanting to spend every waking moment with them (more on this later), you have to consolidate all your things to go into one location… hold on, let me correct that, you have to get rid of most of your shit so that she can keep all of her shit.

The great poster of the dogs playing poker? Gone! Your incredible collection of girly magazines? Peace! The great sofa that you’ve slept on, ate on, gamed on, watched movies and cheered for your favorite team!?!? Boy stop… adios! In your lady’s eyes it’s all trash.

Your walls will soon be lined with photographs of ballets and horses. You’ll have things in your crib that you’ve never seen before like end tables, coasters and candles.

Whether you’re moving in with her, getting a new place, or she’s moving in with you; the end result will always be the same. You are officially a visitor in a place where you pay rent or a mortgage. Get use to it because it’s never going to change. If you’re lucky and some of us actually are, you’ll get a little room off to the side for your stuff. In reality it’s just a storage facility for the things she’s willing to tolerate… for now.

Quality Time
The only time I’ve ever really heard this term used is when I lived with my lady. When you lived in separate spaces quality time was ANY time spent with your significant other. You guys were so in love back then that even a small chat in the living room was a memorable moment. Not anymore. Even though you see your lady all day every day, it’s still not enough. Quality time takes on a whole new meaning when you’re living with your lady. I’ve worked it out into a mathematical equation that can easily sum it up:

The amount of quality time (qt) received is directly proportional to the amount of money spent ($) multiplied by the distance traveled (dt) to reach quality time destination. ($ x dt = qt)

If you happened to be going with friends. That number is divided by how many other people go with you ($ x dt/f = qt). If those other people include your male friends, the power of that division is doubled ($ x dt/2f = qt). I know that all sounds strange to you guys that have never done this before but trust me the math is perfect.

Stayed tuned for part 2

Diggems

Fuck you redman Pictures, Images and Photos

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Just when you thought it was over

Posted in Real Talk with tags , , , , on July 9, 2009 by Diggems

Diggems

Keyboard Cat FTW!

Posted in Real Talk with tags , , , , , , , , on May 7, 2009 by Max

Sometimes when we try to define exactly what Daily Fits is we are stumped. You see, the basic premise is… Well… there is no premise. Me and Diggems are kinda like that old cartoon “2 Stupid Dogs” except I guess it would be “2 Stupid Dawgs”.

So as usual I was doing my normal internet bullshitting and I stumbled upon this Youtube video, and like much of our material I think it really exemplifies exactly what we, and most of our audience, are… Just a bunch of people that find humor in really silly shit like “bacon” for example…

Check out how the guy tries to warn Glenn Beck that he is about to pass the fuck out! COMEDY!

And if you thought that was funny…

Play ’em off Keyboard Cat!

Max

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F.*.*.K. P.E.T.A.

Posted in Real Talk with tags , , , , , , , , on May 1, 2009 by Diggems

I’m sick of it… sick, sick, sick, sick. Dogs with raincoats, tigers wearing funny hats and jumping through hoops, environmentalists chaining themselves to trees, and P.E.T.A. I Just want to line them all up and b*tch slap each one individually.

Before moving to California, I was one of the many people that took a real interest in the environment and maintained an even fonder love, value, and respect for animals. The Saturday morning specials that were hosted by animated critters telling us ways to save our planet held a special place in my heart. I was even a sucker for the throbbing piece of sh*t Captain Planet. I was all aboard the Mother Earth Express, sounding the whistle and steaming down the tracks to a destination that lead nowhere.

I personally believe that all of the cheering and jeering about the environment and animal rights comes from two types of people. The first are people who really do see the big picture and where we stand in relation to this earth and it’s inhabitants. The second group is people who just want to start sh*t because they’re idiots. Let’s break this down further shall we…

Mother Earth
When I think of a mother I usually picture a warm, caring, individual that show her undying love. A mother is willing to sacrifice everything to maintain a sense of safety and growth for her children. Whoever coined the term Mother Earth clearly had some serious home issues as a child. They say, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”, and the bitch we call Mother Earth has been scorned for the past 4 billion years.

The planet cares for us about as much as a stray dog cares for it’s fleas, and I’m not just saying that about humans. I’m saying this about all life. This rosy garden of good living that we’re enjoying is just a current phase that our lovely mother is going through. Our species was simply lucky enough to be around when she wasn’t on her period. Let’s break this down further.

The reality is, human beings have only been a resident of Mother Earth’s global community for about 150,000 years. Prior to this, dinosaurs ran the planet with an iron fist continually for over 150 million years. Look where they are now. Really sit back and think about that for awhile. Dinosaurs ruled this planet for over 150 million years and within the blink of an eye disappeared as an entire species. Do you think our Mother Earth shed even a single tear? Nope. Do you know why? Because she doesn’t give a sh*t.

There was a point in time when the desert that sits between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers was a fertile crescent, commonly called the starting point of all human life. Now look at it, an endless wasteland of sand, sun and rocks. Did we humans do that? Nope. Does the planet move on unconcerned? Yep.

Listen, there is no way… I repeat, no way the planet is in any danger from us humans. In fact, it is the other way around my friends. Even if we detonated every nuclear weapon ever made simultaneously, the planet would still exist. Now don’t get me wrong, the planet would not be the same for millions of years; however, the next species sitting in line at the “waiting room of life” would get their number called and pick up exactly where we left off. The only major change… we wouldn’t exist.

Seriously, we as a species need to get over our collective egos. In the grand scheme of things we aren’t sh*t. We have zero power over this planet. Granted, we can make life very uncomfortable for ourselves and the unlucky life forms that happen to share the same space as us currently, but even they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. At our absolute worst we’re just a mere annoyance to this planet, a mild rash that can quickly be resolved with a little ointment.

You see, unlike Mother Earth, we humans are not immune to the laws of nature; over population, pollution, and the stripping of natural resources are all just road signs that lead to the law of supply and demand. What this means is, when the resources that fuel our species finally run out we’ll either adjust and reduce our numbers or simply die out. Our greatest gifts, rational thought and opposable thumbs, will probably be our undoing, but certainly not earth’s. Which leads me to…

Animal rights
First let me start by saying f*ck P.E.T.A. which, if you didn’t already know, stands for “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals“. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike or hate animals. From the time I was born until my first year of college I have always had some type of pet. Dogs, hamsters, fishes, and ferrets; I’ve owned them all. I’ve cried over my furry best friend’s death, flushed countless fish down the toilet, and given away one of the coolest ferrets in history because my dorm didn’t allow pets. Animals have always been a part of my life.

There is; however, a sick perversion going on in America today, an ideal that is twisting the fabric of our society in a way that is causing me to pause and rethink the rationale among members of our culture. It’s actually a localized phenomenon that seems to be rooted in all western culture. I’m talking about the uplifting, protecting, and worshiping of animals above our own species. It’s sick, appalling and quite frankly makes me want to vomit.

In the city of Los Angeles, where I live, people worship their pets. They have a hard time recognizing the hierarchy between man and animal. This was made especially clear during the Michael Vick trial.

In case you don’t know, or have been living in a shoebox for the past few years, Michael Vick was a star NFL quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons football franchise. He was charged, and sentenced to serve time in prison for breeding and fighting pit bulls. Let me make this clear; his livelihood, youth, and freedom were taken from him because he allowed dogs to fight.

Organization like P.E.T.A. surged to the forefront in order to peddle their piss poor agenda and make Vick the public scapegoat for animal rights. Now granted, as a man who has a fondness for life, I certainly do not feel that Michael Vicks actions were in good taste, I personally do not go out of my way to watch dogs bite the sh*t out of one another, or leg hump their owners, but I also do not travel to Vegas to watch tigers wear aprons and jump through hoops. It’s just not my cup of tea; however, I would never attempt to imprison a human being because he found a way to turn a quick buck at an animal’s expense. As far as I can tell, one perk of being a dominant species includes the authority to use other life forms as stepping stones for progress and entertainment.

We as human being have grown far too comfortable with our inherited kingdom at the top of the food chain. The reality is, we haven’t been here that long. I’m sure the Geico caveman would happily drop a few opinions of his own if he wasn’t so busy avoiding the insurance people.

He would probably talk about the cold nights spent in his cave shivering, pissed off because he was unable to kill the deer that was wearing the fur coat that would have kept him warm. He would probably reminisce about the days of hastily climbing up trees to avoid being chewed to bits by a pack of ravenous wolves. He would probably even chuckle at the fact that he was forced to eat nuts and berries for a week because he wasn’t fast enough to catch the wild boar that narrowly avoided his spear.

When all was said and done, he would probably look at our society humorously, pull out his caveman wallet and put a crisp fifty dollar bill on “Sparky” the spotted pit-bull to win his match in Michael Vicks dog fighting ring. Then, after he had collected his winnings from Sparky’s painful but triumphant victory, he would probably club Sparky over the head, drag his twitching corpse to a neighboring fire pit and rotate him ever so slowly over the glowing coals.

Our society exists today because we stand on the shoulders of individuals that did not have the luxury of grocery stores and gunpowder. These individuals weren’t vegetarians because it was the “hip” thing to do. When they didn’t eat meat it was because they just weren’t fortunate enough to catch it, or because they were too busy avoiding becoming something else’s fast food. If they ever chose vegetables over meat it wasn’t because they were trying to protect some animals feelings, it was purely a matter of survival.

I think all animal rights activists should be forced to live in the wild for 5 years with only their wits and a spear. We’ll see how quickly they march in demonstrations for the preservation of the grey wolf and white tiger when their ass is busy being chased by one. In fact, the same goes for all of the overzealous dog lovers.

There’s a little experiment I would like to try. Let’s starve their dogs for two weeks giving them nothing but water. At the end of the two weeks let’s place a large raw T-Bone steak in the owners hand and ask them to walk into a sealed room and give “Sparky” and nice pat on the head. Let’s see how loyal “Sparky” is then. Let’s see just how hospitable man’s “BFF” can be.

When one has the ability to knowingly dictate the outcome and livelihood of lesser life forms, it’s easy to sit on top of a soapbox and rant about their mistreatment, but once all things are equal it’s always nice to see how quickly the tune changes.

I could go on and on about the absurdity of the western and homo-sapien arrogance, but all this ranting is working up my appetite. I think I’ll take a break and go club me a baby seal. There’s something soothing about the way they squeak when you crack their spine.

Diggems

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10 Ways to Avoid the Swine Flu

Posted in Real Talk with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on April 27, 2009 by Max
visit www.youarefucked.com to grab your, "Clean Air 2000" now!

Visit http://www.youarefucked.com to grab your "Clean Air 2000" now!

10. Don’t kiss, caress or fuck any pigs

9. Don’t look at or inhale the scent of a pepperoni pizza, ham sandwich or pork chops

8. Avoid all police… (get it?)

7. Don’t talk to any Mexicans; if possible don’t even go near a Taco Bell

6. Wearing a surgical mask is certainly an advisable, if not a slightly weird and creepy, way to cut down on airborne swine flu germs

5. Don’t leave your house! Board up all windows, doors, and fireplaces. Better yet, if you have a storm cellar stop reading and head there right now

4. Change your name to Mohammed and embrace the Muslim practice of swearing off anything pork related. It is a proven fact that you cannot be effected by anything that your religion abjectly refuses to acknowledge… On the other hand, if there is a sudden outbreak of “Kebab Flu” you’re fucked!

3. Tin Foil hats have been known to block out the harmful effects of sunburn, radiation, telepathy, all forms of disease and acne… PICK ONE UP NOW!

2. If you see someone sneeze, cough, sniffle, or exhibit any signs of sickness, immediately locate an ax or other sharp cutting utensil, cut off their head and burn the body! Prior to cutting off of head and burning of body, please try to identify whether sneezing, coughing, sniffling is a symptom of allergies, regular flu, or allergic reaction to your cologne/perfume. These methods are also highly effective against zombie outbreaks…

1. Quit watching CNN & Fox News immediately! Severe paranoia caused by their sensationalizing of events is known to create extreme hypochondria which will kill you faster than the damn event that they’re covering!

Max

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Illegal Aliens?

Posted in Real Talk with tags , , , , , , , , , on April 21, 2009 by Max

upset1Let’s be honest here, I consider myself an open minded guy. I try not to lean too far to the extreme on any given issue simply because that practice has a way of clouding a person’s judgment and objectivity. There are; however, some issues where I simply won’t follow the conventional wisdom. One issue in particular that I’m pretty stubborn on is aliens, and by aliens I don’t mean Elian Gonzalez the illegal alien from Cuba.

I raise this issue because today I saw a CNN poll that asked, “Do you believe that extraterrestrial life has visited Earth?” Out of 72,000 respondents, 62% or 44,000 responded “Yes”.

Now hold on for a second, I thought that April Fools Day was 21 days ago and 4/20 or National Pot Day (if you will) was yesterday. Because either there are still a lot of people feeling the lingering effects of these two days, or someone’s trying to combine them into some weird hybrid holiday on April 21st.

62% believe that we have been visited by aliens! I’m actually a little shocked by this. Let me be clear here, I do not think that we are being visited by aliens not only because I have seen no clear evidence to support their existence, but also because there would be absolutely NO WAY to hide their arrival if they did show up.

As a young man many moons ago I was actually in the, “UFO’s might occasionally pit stop on earth for McDonalds’ fries and burgers, while on some inter-galactic voyage” crowd.

It wasn’t until; however, someone pointed out that with the plethora of satellites that are currently in the sky, the sheer amount of telescopes that we have looking into the heavens, and the vast amount of radio technology that we have sweeping the solar system, it would be nearly impossible to have aliens visit us without being detected well before they reached our planet, that I changed my viewpoint.

Now I know that there are those who are going to say, “Well aliens are… smart, so if they wanted to visit our planet undetected, what’s stopping them from bypassing all of our ‘advanced’ detection technology.”

I guess my only response to that would be, “So you’re telling me that aliens traveled billions of miles undetected, bypassed all of our advanced technology, and then somehow slipped up and allowed themselves to be caught in an unfocused 35mm camera photograph by some guy in Wyoming named Jeb?!? Seriously?!?

Do I believe that life exists on other planets in our universe? Yes! I absolutely do if you define life as the existence of organic material that barbiereacts to environmental stimulus. Do I believe that there are aliens out there with super advanced Star Trek-like technology zipping from galaxy to galaxy kidnapping farmers, raping cows, and leaving huge graffiti art in cornfields? Sorry pal, not quite!

Yesterday (funny to pick that day) in conjunction with their poll, CNN.com posted an article discussing whether or not UFOs have indeed visited us. The focus of the article centered on Edgar Mitchell a former astronaut who believes that we are indeed being visited.

According to Mitchell, Mankind has long wondered if we’re “alone in the universe. [But] only in our period do we really have evidence. No, we’re not alone

Our destiny, in my opinion, and we might as well get started with it, is [to] become a part of the planetary community. … We should be ready to reach out beyond our planet and beyond our solar system to find out what is really going on out there.”

Coincidentally, Mitchell is from Roswell, New Mexico site of the infamous “alien visit” and subsequent “government cover-up”, which helps explain why he is so adamant about the earth being a rest-stop for alien life forms. Ultimately though, I must point out that being a former astronaut makes Mitchell no more an expert on alien life than being an airline pilot makes a person an expert on bird life.

So let me simply put it this way. I’m not going to support the idea that we are occasionally, frequently, or rarely visited by aliens until there is solid empirical evidence to prove that it has happened. Then, once we do have proof that they have been visiting earth, I think the US congress should quickly move to ban their unlawful visits to our planet; at least until we can prove that they have not been taking American jobs… 

Max

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