Archive for January, 2009

Doing Lines of iCoke

Posted in Interesting Events with tags , , , , on January 30, 2009 by Max

I don’t mean to sound condescending, Bourgeoisie, or Boujie:

Bourgeoisie: (Def.) is a classification used in analyzing human societies to describe a social class of people who are in the upper or merchant class, whose status or power comes from employment, education, and wealth as opposed to aristocratic origin. (source: wikipedia)

Boujie: (Def.) A person who embodies an attitude or state of mind of superior taste, inclination toward posh and luxurious goods, magnificent fashion sense, and an ultra chic persona that lends to the title of being Boujie. (source: urban dictionary)

However, I’ve never understood how someone can spend hours (even days) in a line for a consumer electronics device. Everyone has heard the stories; people camping outside in tents for 5 days prior to the release of a Playstation 3 or Xbox 360. Why? What can be so alluring about being the first person on the block to own a toy?

Now there are some enterprising people that know these “toys” will be in high demand and short supply (Tickle Me Elmo); therefore, they will wait outside a store for several days hoping to purchase one at the retail price, and then turn around and resell it for a huge profit on Ebay. To them my hat goes off… no pain, no gain, right? But what about the most recent launch of the iPhone? I’m hoping the 100+ people that were in line at the local mall, awaiting their turn to enter the Apple store and purchase the new 3G iPhone, knew that patiently waiting at home for about 2 days would get them the exact same phone without the hassle, the waiting, or the appearance of insanity! C’mon, it’s not like Apple and AT&T announced that the phone would be in short supply.

As discussed in, If My iPhone had P***y I’d Stick my D**k in it! (check it out, it’s enlightening) people really, really love their iPhone, myself included! However, there is a line (no pun intended) I will absolutely not cross…

Things Max won’t wait in line for…

1) A nightclub – Why is this? Simple… I spend too much time getting “swank” to stand around in a line looking “common” with the “common folk”. It’s guest list, cut-line, or nothing!

2) The men’s bathroom – For some reason women will wait in a line wrapped twice around the club/restaurant before earning their turn to use the Little Girls Room. I remember once seeing a young lady crying in line at a nightclub; apparently she had to “potty” that urgently… Puuuhhhleeeassssseeeee! If the line to use the bathroom extends outside the bathroom I will either A) “hold it”, and come back later when the line dissipates, or B) pay the person at the front of the line to cut…

3) An iPhone…

In my opinion, if you choose to stand somewhere in line for more than one hour you’d better be getting a brand new drivers license, or an opportunity to kiss the Pope’s feet. Seriously let’s examine this for a second. The year is 2009, you honestly do not need to wait in line for anything anymore. With the power of the internet you can purchase damn near anything without leaving the comfort of your own house. I know at least two people that ordered their iPhone’s online and received them the day after it was released. No lines, no smelly consumers, no arthritis from prolonged standing… nothing; just a shiny new iPhone without the hassle of waiting!

I too was hoping to purchase a new iPhone on the day it was released. Not because I’m unhappy with my old one, not because I’m trying to make a tidy profit on Ebay, and not because I want to show it off to all of my friend and gloat about how “cool” I am (I already know I’m cool, I don’t need a phone for confirmation…). No, I wanted to purchase one and get it over with. I know I don’t need the new iPhone; however, for me the high-speed 3G internet and GPS navigation will help kill two birds with one stone…

1) No matter where I am, I will be able to conveniently search online for the closest strip club at super fast 3G broadband speeds

2) Then, once I’ve used my iPhone’s super fast 3G internet to locate the nearest strip club, I will be able to use the new GPS assisted turn-by-turn directions to get there quickly and hassle free!

I’m actually hoping that eventually strip/nightclubs will allow you to purchase tickets online the same way movie theatres do. Then I’ll even be able to use my iPhone to purchase tickets in advance; that way I won’t be forced to wait in queue with the “smelly line campers”… Wait! You know what, on second thought, maybe I am a Boujie bastard…

max

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Diggems Presents: Art Truly is subjective…

Posted in The Vent with tags , , , , , , on January 30, 2009 by Diggems

So I’m in line at Starbucks waiting for my latte when a little girl starts tugging on my pants leg. She has to be around 6 years old, and judging from the thick ring of booger crust surrounding her nose and mouth she isn’t a huge fan of public hygiene. Anyway, I look down and she tries to hand me something. It appears to be a piece of paper of some sort. I can’t really tell because it’s covered in a goo that I’m hoping isn’t some type of bodily excrement.

“Here”, she says. I just turn back to the Starbucks menu pretending that I didn’t just make eye contact with her. I feel her tapping on my leg again. “Here”, she insists. I hear a couple behind me give the typical “Awwwwhhh, isn’t that cute” sound. I turn around and give them the agreeable, “aren’t kids cute” smile and preceded to shake the little imp off of my leg.

Undeterred the little snot wagon pats me on the leg again. The hippie couple behind me decide to add their two cents yet again, “Aren’t you going to take her present?”. I sigh and respond irritably, “I’m not comfortable touching other people’s kids”. They reply, “Oh it’s ok, she’s ours we don’t mind”. I think to myself, “She’s yours? Well can’t you get your little crumb snatcher off my leg and learn how to control the little beast?” Instead I turn back to the child and say, “Ooooh, let’s see what you’ve got there”. I bend down to give the little heathen some eye to eye contact; she reeks of piss and cookies. I stick my hand out and she slips the piece of paper into my hand.

Inside is an illustration of some sort… Apparently she’s very fond of the colors black, brown and tan. Through this wannabe prodigal child’s garbled mess (at this point she is teetering more on the Rainman side) I am able to discern what looks like the scribbles of an autistic caveman.

The mother excitedly chimes in, “It’s a picture of us at the coffee house, and I think the man in the corner is YOU!” I look at the figure in the corner; it reminds me of a certain “fecal gem” I left in the toilet the morning after an all night romp of tacos, tequila, and lots of hot sauce. “Isn’t it GOOD!”, she exclaims. I give her the stupid grin again, “Quite…” The little girl taps me on the knee and opens her arms wide. The little troll wants a hug! “Mr. Murphy your latte is ready”. The angelic sound of the Starbucks girl swirls into my ears. I immediately rush to the counter. The soothing smell of coffee beans and steamed milk find a way to persuade my olfactory senses not to perform ritual seppuku…
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Seppuku (切腹, Seppuku “stomach-cutting”) is a form of Japanese ritual suicide by disembowelment. (source wikipedia)

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… Nothing screams thirst like the sight of old boogers and snot. I thank the little girl and her hippie parents and walk swiftly out of the door.

I get in my car and turn the ignition, but with my quick start out of the parking lot a little bit of my latte finds its way out of the cup and into my cup holder. Damn! I don’t have any napkins. Wait a minute! I pull the little girl’s illustrated Petri dish out of my pocket and sop up the spilled coffee. Thanks little buddy! With a quick flick the picture is tossed out of the open window like last night’s jerk-off rag. As I drive past the front of the Starbucks the “tree huggers” are just walking out. They wave as I pass. I swear on everything I love, the picture blows right by them! I honk the horn and wave back… Recycle that B***hes!

Diggems