Archive for March, 2009

Top 5 April Fools Day Pranks

Posted in Interesting Events with tags , , , , , , , , , , on March 30, 2009 by Max

In keeping with the season, today on Daily Fits we are announcing our Favorite April Fool’s Day Pranks. Since today is April Fools day, we’ve decided to take a look back at some of the best pranks, hoaxes and gags of all time! We scoured the interweb high and low to find these, and narrowed it down to our five favorites.

The amazing thing about these pranks is that, in most cases, thousands of people were actually fooled! What is more amazing are the lengths that some people will go to pull of a great hoax! Enjoy.

cops-20th-anniversary-edition-art45.The Derbyshire Fairy (2007):
In late March 2007, images of an 8-inch mummified creature resembling a fairy were posted on the website of the Lebanon Circle Magik Co. Accompanying text explained how the creature had been found by a man walking his dog along an old roman road in rural Derbyshire. Word of this discovery soon spread around the internet. Bloggers excitedly speculated about whether the find was evidence of the actual existence of fairies. By April 1 the Lebanon Circle website had received tens of thousands of visitors and hundreds of emails. But at the end of April 1, Dan Baines, the owner of the site, confessed that the fairy was a hoax. He had used his skills as a magician’s prop-maker to create the creature. Baines later reported that, even after his confession, he continued to receive numerous emails from people who refused to accept the fairy wasn’t real.

evilmonkeybuisnesssuit74. The Origin of April Fool’s Day (1983):
The Associated Press reported that the mystery of the origin of April Fool’s Day had finally been solved. Joseph Boskin, a History professor at Boston University, had discovered that the celebration had begun during the Roman empire when a court jester had boasted to Emperor Constantine that the fools and jesters of the court could rule the kingdom better than the Emperor could. In response, Constantine had decreed that the court fools would be given a chance to prove this boast, and he set aside one day of the year upon which a fool would rule the kingdom. The first year Constantine appointed a jester named Kugel as ruler, and Kugel immediately decreed that only the absurd would be allowed in the kingdom on that day. Therefore the tradition of April Fools was born. News media throughout the country reprinted the Associated Press story. But what the AP reporter who had interviewed Professor Boskin for the story hadn’t realized was that Boskin was lying. Not a word of the story was true, which Boskin admitted a few weeks later. Boston University issued a statement apologizing for the joke, and many papers published corrections.

dollar33. UFO Lands in London (1989):
On March 31, astonished British policemen were sent to investigate a glowing flying saucer that had settled down in a field in Surrey. As the policemen approached the craft with their truncheons held out before them, a door opened in the bottom of the ship and a small figure wearing a silver space suit walked out. The policemen immediately took off in the opposite direction. The alien turned out to be a midget, and the flying saucer was a hot air balloon that had been specially built to look like a UFO by Richard Branson, the 36-year-old chairman of Virgin Records. Branson had taken off in the balloon the day before, planning to land in London’s Hyde Park on April 1. However, a wind change had blown him down a day early in the Surrey field. The police reported that they received a flood of phonecalls from scared motorists using roadside emergency phones as the balloon passed over the highway. One lady reportedly called a radio station to describe the UFO that she was looking at, not realizing that she was standing in front of her window stark naked. One of the policemen who had to approach the craft later admitted that, “I have never been so scared in 20 years of being a policeman.”

della32. The Left-Handed Whopper (1998):
Burger King published a full page advertisement in USA Today announcing the introduction of a new item to their menu: a “Left-Handed Whopper” specially designed for the 32 million left-handed Americans. According to the advertisement, the new whopper included the same ingredients as the original Whopper (lettuce, tomato, hamburger patty, etc.), but all the condiments were rotated 180 degrees for the benefit of their left-handed customers. The following day Burger King issued a follow-up release revealing that although the Left-Handed Whopper was a hoax, thousands of customers had gone into restaurants to request the new sandwich. Simultaneously, according to the press release, “many others requested their own ‘right handed’ version.”

taxes21. The Eruption of Mount Edgecumbe (1974):
Residents of Sitka, Alaska were alarmed when the long-dormant volcano neighboring them, Mount Edgecumbe, suddenly began to belch out billows of black smoke. People spilled out of their homes onto the streets to gaze up at the volcano, terrified that it was active again and might soon erupt. Luckily it turned out that man, not nature, was responsible for the smoke. A local practical joker named Porky Bickar had flown hundreds of old tires into the volcano’s crater and then lit them on fire, all in a (successful) attempt to fool the city dwellers into believing that the volcano was stirring to life. According to local legend, when Mount St. Helens erupted six years later, a Sitka resident wrote to Bickar to tell him, “This time you’ve gone too far!”

Max

credit: www.museumofhoaxes.com

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This Picture Makes Me Think…

Posted in This Picture Makes Me Think... with tags , , , , , , , , , , , on March 27, 2009 by Max

Every once in awhile we will post an “interesting picture” and include what we think are some “appropriate” captions! We invite you to add some of your own captions in the comment section, and we will post the best ones alongside ours in the main post!

she-hulkv3-006pic13

1.  John thought he had a surefire winner when I first approached Nike with pictures of the “Just Screw It” advertising campaign!

2. All of a sudden, it became quite clear why Lance Armstrong was rushing back from retirement to re-join the Tour de France!

3. This is what happens when you allow a former sex addict to run the “Olympic Competitive Selection Committee“.

4. Everyone knew it was a bad idea to invite “Forgetful Sally” to the “Thongs Mandatory Bike Marathon”. 

5. What do you get when you mix porn stars and bicycles…

6. In an attempt to boost TV rating for the Tour de France, Pierre came up with this ingenious idea…

7. Someone overheard one of the judges say, “This is one race that has absolutely NO losers…”

8. With a sigh, Paul turned to Josh and said, “Josh I said I wanted you to go out and find a bunch of ‘big city girls to test out our new bikes’… Not big titty girls!”

9. In an attempt to improve rider aerodynamics, engineers at Schwinn came up with this amazing new biker suit. They call it the… “Thong?!?!?

10. Amani said: Socks and shoes aren’t necessary for what we will be doing, but they will need helmets. 

Max

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The Terrible Tug

Posted in The Vent with tags , , , , , , , on March 26, 2009 by Diggems

200136745-001To stroke or not to stroke?
If there’s any real form of self-help that actually works, masturbation would be it. Why is there so much fuss and embarrassment over “rubbing one out”? There isn’t a human being alive that hasn’t taking part in some form of “sexual solo”. That includes the Dalai Lama, Martin Luther King Jr, and even Mother Theresa. If everybody is doing it, why are so many people denying it?

Confessions of a young masturbator
When I was a teenaged kid dealing with raging hormones and impure thoughts of Lark Voorhies, I was torn as to what to do. Every part of me wanted to stoke my meat until the sun set, but yet I was ashamed to do it.

You’ll get a hairy palm”… I guess this is supposed to work because nobody wants to become a freak of nature…

Others would yell, “You’ll burn in hell.” Well f**k that!

You’ll go blind.” Blind? Seriously? 

And my personal favorite, “Jesus is watching.” I seriously hoped not!

Blah, blah, blah!”

Nature eventually took over and I turned into a closet masturbator. It became my dirty little secret. First, one “morning tug” to wake up. Back from school before my parents got home? The “after school special”. Then, before I fell asleep, a little “just me” to close the night out. At the age of 14 I became a certified professional. I had my technique down and everything.

Flashforward
Now, as an adult, I certainly don’t partake in the knuckle shuffle to the extent that I did when I was younger. I’m not a pubescent kid anymore, trying to understand how my body works. There’s a lot more self control, fewer raging hormones, and fortunately a great girlfriend to curb 90% of those desires. HOWEVER, every now and then I’ll have a teenaged relapse and spiral back into the dark demonic caverns of the damned, and stroke out a little meat sauce. I can’t help it I’m an animal. Hell we all are!

It’s time to stop treating the whole process as taboo! How the hell are you going to know what you like unless you test it out from time to time? A lack of a release ends up turning civilized individuals – like priests – into sick pedophiles.

Science saves the day!
Jerking-off can actually save your life. Science has even proved that men who ejaculate more than 5 times a week between the ages of 20 and 50 were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life. That’s right, you heard it, beat off and fight cancer.

Share a little fun
Here’s a piece of advice that I’m sure many guys will reject and probably many more women will deny. Guys, if you’re in a relationship, get your girl a vibrator. Trust me on this one. She’s already pleasuring herself with her fingers when you’re not looking; might as well give her a little energizer bunny to speed up the process. Her stress will go down, and your life will get a little easier. Sure it’s no substitute for the real thing, but it gives her an appetizer while you set up the main course. If you’re in a relationship, don’t be scared to talk about it. Ask if you can watch her please herself. You’ll be surprised with the things you can learn by watching how she touches herself. Take notes. Explore it all.

School her on how you like to be handled. There’s nothing worse than a girl who thinks your penis is indestructible, yanking and pulling on your sausage like some palsy victim on a caffeine high. Without proper coaching you’ll be huddled in the corner like a rape victim, telling your significant other to “Please step away from the penis”.

F**k it, Just Do It!
Above all else. If you’re not trying to fight cancer, or save your sex life, or whatever noble means you use to justify your tug, just do it because it feels good. If there’s one person you shouldn’t disappoint when it comes to “getting off” it’s yourself. You can be as raunchy or romantic as you please. I for one embrace my wanking with open arms… or should I say open palms. I treat myself like a whore and then fall asleep. It’s the best date ever.

Diggems

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What’s up doc part 2

Posted in Interesting Events with tags , , , , , , on March 25, 2009 by Diggems

Flashback
I did a post a few days ago concerning my ownership of a medical marijuana card. After a few days of testing out the products I’m finally in my right state of mind. This was by far the best research assignment I’ve ever had. Alright, lets get down to business and explain how the whole process unfolds when buying “legal weed”.

Research
I scour the web looking for a high rated dispensary on my side of town. My results come back with a place called “Nature’s Wonder” – they consider themselves to be “caregivers” – I find that slightly amusing.

The Arrival
I arrive at the place and walk through a gated cage that sits in the front of the building. There’s a security guard sitting at the check-in table behind the iron bars. He asks if I’m a first time customer, then hands me a few papers to fill out. After I’ve completed everything, I turn in my “school work” and he calls my “doctor” to make sure my prescription is authentic. Everything checks out and he unlocks the steel cage.

On the other side of the bars sits a lounge. There are photos of musicians and actors. The coffee table in the middle of the room has all the latest weed publications. On the sofa across from me sits a black lesbian couple in their mid 40’s. We’re all waiting for the “patient” ahead of us to close out their purchase in the display room. I sit on the sofa all bright eyed and bushy tailed, like a little kid walking into his first candy store. The couple ask me if I’m a new member. I asked them if it is that obvious? They smile and give me the lowdown on some of the best strands of weed. A few minutes later they’re called into the room.

While I wait, I thumb through the magazines learning how to grow a closet greenhouse. An article or two later I’m called into the main room. My reaction was sort of like this.

Once Inside
There is weed everywhere. And I mean EVERYWHERE. Behind the clerk is a sign showing their weed “menu”. There were over 30 types. My jaw literally drops. They also sold edibles. Weed brownies, cakes, pies, cookies, candys, you name it. I tell the clerk it is my first time. He smiles with the same grin that I gave my prom date just before her deflowering.

This guy is like a weed encyclopedia. I learned where every indica and sativa comes from, who raised it, what soil it grows in and every effect it cures and causes. He happily informs me which weed cures my “anxiety” problems.

The Prescription
Based upon his recommendation I pick out some Banana O.G. Kush, Blue Dream and a brownie. He puts the bud in prescription bottles, fills out my form and sends me on my merry way. I even had one of those little white bags with the prescriptions listed on the front. It was shockingly professional. I leave the store feeling like I’d just left Walgreens. God I love California.

Diggems

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You May Win Some but You Jus’ Lost One

Posted in Offbeat News with tags , , , , , , on March 25, 2009 by Max

9780060840822It seems Jay-Z aka Jigga aka Young Hova aka Shaun Carter was right when he wrote the song Lost One on his 2006 album Kingdom Come. This week it became public knowledge that his former partner-in-crime, Dame Dash, was being served with divorce papers by his wife of four years Rachel Roy.

To many it may come as a big surprise that Dash, reportedly worth about 50 million dollars (based upon his math) several years ago, could currently be worth what many consider assed-out broke. His two Tribeca condos are currently under foreclosure, and his Chevrolet Tahoe (what hip hop mogul – aka Baller aka Big Pimp – drives a damn Chevy!) SUV has been repossessed by a Manhattan Judge…

This is certainly an example of living beyond ones means. Now I’m no mathematician but according to records, Dash’s monthly payment on his two condos equaled a whopping $78,504.26 (that’s an annual burn rate of approximately one million dollars for a guy with no job)… Again, that’s just the monthly payment on his two condos!

Look, it doesn’t take a genius to realize that without a steady and solid income, which without Roc-A-Fella and Rocawear Dash certainly didn’t have, Dash’s living expenses were a little high. Add to the mortgage his tax liabilities, two children, a diva wife, a $715 car payment (for a damn Tahoe!), massive legal fees, etc, etc and it becomes obvious why, by November of 2008, Dame Dash was basically broke…

On top of  all of this, Rachel Roy has decided that its time to depart the Dash gravy train! The proverbial insult to injury. Now don’t get me wrong, I’m no fan of anyone suffering, but the fact that this is happening to Dame Dash is hard to ignore. So in light of the situation, I’ve decided to ask Jay-Z to describe exactly why all this is pretty f**king ironic:

I heard motherfu**ers saying they made Hov
Made Hov say, “OK so, make another Hov”
Nig*az wasn’t playing they day role
So we parted ways like Ben and J-Lo
I should’ve been did it but I been in a daze though
I put friends over business end of the day though
But when friends, business interests as they go
Ain’t nothing left to say though
I guess we forgot what we came fo’
Should’ve stayed in food and beverage
Too much flossing
( <——— no kidding )
Too much Sam Rothstein
I ain’t a bitch but I gotta divorce them
Hov have to get the shallow shit up off him
And I ain’t even want to be famous
Nig*az is brainless to unnecessarily go through these changes
And I ain’t even know how it came to this
Except that fame is
The worst drug known to man
It’s stronger than, heroin
When you could look in the mirror like, “There I am”
And still not see, what you’ve become
I know I’m guilty of it too but, not like them
You lost one

Max

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You’re Stupid and They Know it!

Posted in Real Talk with tags , , , , , , , on March 24, 2009 by Max

Your significant other thinks that you are is a dumb ass! That’s right… you heard it here first folks, and you probably feel the exact same way about them. Yep, the person that you love the most, the person that says they care about you above all else thinks that you are a complete f**king moron! This is not a guess, a supposition, or a belief, it is a pure unquestionable fact! Now far be it from me to simply make a bold statement like this without providing evidence to support my claim, so let’s explore why I am without a doubt correct.

First of all let us look at why you think that they are a complete f**king moron. Have you ever promised to give your all to someone? Have you promised to always tell that special someone the truth? Then, have you turned right around and told them a bold faced lie, “cheated” on them, or employed the most elementary methods available to hide the simple truth from them?

Do you know why you did it? Because deep down inside you were positive that you were smarter than they were. In fact you were positive that you were dealing with a complete dumb ass! In your mind all you needed to do was employ a few basic tactics – some sleight of hand if you will – in order to cover up your indiscretion and you were sure that your spouse would never uncover your dishonest acts.

Ok, let’s look at it from the other side. Have you ever been cheated on? I can admit that I have. It was a sick feeling that ate at my insides.

At the time I remember asking myself, “How could you have been this stupid?”

Obviously the woman that cheated on me told herself, “There is no way he will ever find out, because I can outsmart him.”

Looking back, the part that hurt the most was the feeling of betrayal coupled with the feeling of being played for a fool. Why did being played for a fool hurt so badly? Because I know I’m nobody’s fool. Yet this girl was so sure that I was as fool that she risked our entire relationship (for what it was worth) to prove me wrong.

It’s ok don’t cry for me! Guess what, I’ve been the “player” too. I’ve dealt with women – some I loved, some I didn’t – and played the same exact game!

It’s like an emotional game of cat and mouse, where the mouse is constantly outsmarting the cat. Yet, at what point does the mouse simply stop, look that cat in the eyes and say, “Dude, I’m only doing this because I’m convinced that I can get away with it. You’ve shown me nothing on an intelligence level that would lead me to believe otherwise!”

There is; however, another less sinister reason why your significant other thinks that you’re a moron. This reason is simply that the person who knows you the best is able to constantly watch you make “dumb” ass mistakes. The person that is closest to you is able to watch you constantly f**k up, argue incorrectly and continuously goof-up, and over time all of your f**k ups become one huge tapestry of absolute tom-foolery.

Seriously, I have dealt with some women that were very smart, one in particular was a borderline genius, yet in certain areas of her life she was an absolute dunce! And because on a day-to-day basis I dealt with the dunce more than the genius, it was hard not to judge her mentality purely on this basis…

Don’t get me wrong, the man or woman that you’re with knows that you’re a smart person “in general”, otherwise they probably wouldn’t have chosen/accepted you (unless they were stupid and looked for someone with whom to match wits), but on a deeply personal and selfish level they also think that you’re a complete f**king moron! However, they will never admit this, so please don’t be stupid and ask…

Max

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Dissin’ The Dalai Lama

Posted in Offbeat News with tags , , , , , , , , , on March 23, 2009 by Max

South Africa has sunk to an all new low! A country that is well publicized for its human rights violations has decided to take another jab at peace and equality. This week South Africa will be hosting an international peace conference in Johannesburg, aimed at showcasing its role as a “human-rights champion” (yeah f*cking right). Wouldn’t this be a lot like Germany, right after the Holocaust, holding a peace conference aimed at highlighting how great life is for the Jews?

Well, the fact that South Africa is holding the conference isn’t the actual funny part… Oh no, the coup de grace comes from the fact that South Africa (the so-called haven of human rights) is refusing to give the Dalai Lama a visa to attend! The Dalai Lama is being sh*tted on!

If you’re like me, you’re asking yourself, “How the hell do you have an international peace conference, and refuse to allow the international symbol of peace and human rights to attend?”

Apparently it is felt that allowing the Dalai Lama to attend would shift the focus away from the 2010 World Cup soccer tournament, which happens to be the real reason for the international conference, and instead on the tension between China and Tibet. The conference itself is nothing more than a huge public relations stunt on the part of the South African government, a gigantic act intended to assure the world that South Africa thinks that “Peace is teh Koolest! We Luv teh Peace!”

Well, I’m calling bullsh*t! And I’m not the only one. Noble Laureate Archbishop Desmond Tutu is boycotting the conference, and former South African president, and also Noble Laureate, De Klerk has stated that refusing to allow the Dalai Lama is a “mockery“, and has stated that he too intends to boycott unless South Africa changes its stance.

It is felt that South Africa is bowing to pressure from the Chinese government; since they pretty much own the world, and therefore gets to set the rules and policy. This actually brings up a pretty powerful point. How long do you think  it will be before China tries to tell the US government what to do? I mean, sh*t, we owe them a ton of money also, and if you’ve ever owed someone a substantial sum of money, you know that the words “no, can’t, and won’t” don’t enter into your vocabulary too often when they tell you what to do!

Anyway, I digress! All I have to say to South Africa is thank you for showing your true colors once again. As a huge soccer fan I am really torn on this one. My love of the sport has me itching to watch every match possible, but my conscience makes me want to tell the South African government “f*ck you!” and skip the whole event. For now I’m going to sit on the sidelines and see how this plays out.

Seriously though, you have to be a real pr*ck to diss the Dalai Lama!

Max

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