“Body Magic” aka The Devil’s Tool

I’m sitting here deep in thought at the moment and I’m reminded of something Chris Rock said in one of his stand up comedy performances.

“Women lie! You know that hair ain’t yours! That ain’t your natural hair color! You know your tits ain’t really that big!” Chris said in a near hysterical rant.

Well to this list, we can now add… “You know that ain’t your f**kin’ body!”

Wait! What?!? When did it become acceptable to completely mislead every man that you meet?

Ok let’s be fair. The idea of radically altering the shape of ones body isn’t exactly new.

During the Victorian era (early 1800’s) women wore extreme shape shifting corsets that drew emphasis to the hips and chest as seen in the picture to the right. Well as they say, history repeats itself and we can now thank the evil tool known simply as “Body Magic” for misleading legions of drunk men!

Listen, I understand that women want to fit into their clothes comfortably and look good at the same time. Daily we are bombarded with images of “beautiful” people on TV and print ads. If you don’t weigh 110 lbs and have buns of steel or brazen skin of the gods, you are just “normal”. People turn on the TV and there are hundreds of commercials for weight loss pills, and remedies, and work out equipment, and on and on… and on!

So guess who comes swooping in to the rescue? You guessed it… Body Magic. No longer do women have to actually bother working out. In just two shakes of a lamb’s tail (actually more like 50 shakes of a horse’s ass) women can completely change their physical appearance. Millions of drunk men in bars, lounges, and clubs around America are learning first hand the evils of the Body Magic.

Well I think it’s time for men to fight back! Women you want a man with chiseled arms like Zeus himself, a perfect six pack ripped straight from the body of Herculese and a barrel-shaped chest the size of a cruise ship? Well here you go! Women say hello to…

Muscle Miracle

Max

The Anatomy of an Orgasm

I love sex. LOVE IT.  I can’t help but find it fascinating. There are few things on this planet that can compare to the physical sensation of an orgasm. I’ll even go as far as saying it’s the most magnificent PHYSICAL feeling that a human being can achieve. The quest for that sensation has advanced our species to the top of the food chain, started wars and sent many men to ruin.

What is it about “getting off” that people are so attracted to? What goes on behind the scenes when we’re getting our “jollies” with some random mud duck that we’ve picked up in a bar? How is it possible that genuine clear thinking becomes a cloudy mess of primitive humping and grunting? Let’s dig a little deeper and see just what makes up an orgasm. That soggy grey matter between your ears holds all of the answers.

The brain is the headquarters of all that sexual tension. Your brain has an area known as the pleasure center. It’s like the “gold star” board your elementary teacher used to put up for doing good things in class. Whenever you do something you enjoy, the pleasure system rewards your body in order to entice it to do it again. It’s the reason why you love to laugh, love to get off and even why many love to do drugs. Science shows us; when the neurons in the pleasure center fire, other areas of your brain are given specific tasks in order to maximize the pleasure sensation.

One of these areas in your brain is called the lateral orbitofrontal cortex. This section of the brain shuts down completely during orgasm. It’s considered the “seat of reason and behavioral control”. If you haven’t noticed already, the moment you have an orgasm, you lose control of damn near everything. This little part of the brain is the reason that “pulling and praying” doesn’t always work. Your biological “common sense” gets hit with the veto button.

It actually makes perfect sense if you think about it. If your basic biological function is to reproduce, nature is going to make sure that you stay “in the coochie” for as long as humanly possible. Some doctors have stated that the brain, during an orgasm, looks much like the brain of a person taking heroin. In fact the similarities are 95 percent identical; it almost makes you want to reconsider that “Just Say No” campaign. In fact, I now look at strung-out junkies in a different light…  Just imagine if the male orgasm lasted as long as a heroine high, I’m sure I’d also breaking into houses stealing lawn furniture and toasters in an effort to pay for my next fix! 

Another interesting factor introduces itself when analyzing “The Anatomy of An Orgasm”. Not all brain reactions are the same in men and woman. When woman are intimate, a part of their brain stem called the periaqueductal gray (PAG) is activated. The PAG control the “flight or fight” response. Women’s brains also showed decreased activity in the amygdala and hippocampus, which deal with fear and anxiety. Some doctors theorize that these differences existed because women have more of a need to feel safe and relaxed in order to enjoy sex. In addition, the area of the cortex associated with pain is activated in woman, which shows that there is a distinct connection between pain and pleasure.

Now lets analyze how sex effects our social interactions. Many people have attachment problems when they lose their virginity. When I lost mine, I was a pussy-whipped pile of goo. I look back on it now and crack up laughing at the absurdity of how sure I was that I was “in love”. We’ll there’s a reason some of us go through that.

The pituitary gland is the cause of a lot of mixed emotions and confusion. This little guy controls the amount of beta-endorphins that are released into your blood stream. Endorphins are you like your body’s personal drug dealer. They give you a sense of well being and also do a great job of blocking pain. The pituitary also releases another lovely cocktail of hormones called oxytocin and vasopressin. Combined they give the illusion of trust and the bonding sensation we all call love. If you’re a pimple faced teenager – that is already going through a hormonal assault – including this additional brew of potency will only make you that much more criminally insane.

Since woman seem to be in a never ending state of emotional puberty, it’s no wonder they associate casual sex and love in one lump sum. (I’m gonna really catch some hell for making that comment). But even I can’t sit here and deny that for a few sporadic moments just before I spasm, and a few fleeting seconds afterward, I feel a pure unfiltered connection with the woman I’m with. I’m sure if a man’s orgasms lasted as long as a woman’s we’d all be singing a different tune.

I’ll never admit to being able to understand a woman completely but after researching all of this I have a better appreciation of the mental and emotional side of a woman’s “O” face. To all my fellas out there, especially the ones that are giving out the emotional long stroke, be careful how good the loving is, because the harder she cums the more clouded she’ll get. You’re working with forces that have ensured our species’ dominant place on this planet for thousands of years. You’re not just fucking her, you’re fucking Mother Nature.

Diggems

Keyboard Cat FTW!

Sometimes when we try to define exactly what Daily Fits is we are stumped. You see, the basic premise is… Well… there is no premise. Me and Diggems are kinda like that old cartoon “2 Stupid Dogs” except I guess it would be “2 Stupid Dawgs”.

So as usual I was doing my normal internet bullshitting and I stumbled upon this Youtube video, and like much of our material I think it really exemplifies exactly what we, and most of our audience, are… Just a bunch of people that find humor in really silly shit like “bacon” for example…

Check out how the guy tries to warn Glenn Beck that he is about to pass the fuck out! COMEDY!

And if you thought that was funny…

Play ’em off Keyboard Cat!

Max

This Picture Makes Me Think…

I hate to intrude on Max’s territory with “TPMMT” but I couldn’t help myself on this one.  I love kids so I thought I would share this photo. Please feel free to add your own comments.

1. Mommy is showing Billy where babies come from.

2. After all the fun and games little Billy never looked at his pacifier the same.

3. While little Billy watched the video camera he wondered why the long 10 inch muppet on the computer screen was being chocked out by the mean ol’ five fingered monster.

4. The recession may have hit the adult entertainment community hard, but Sparkles found a new untouched market.

5. Oddly enough the only thing on Billy’s mind is why mommy keeps hiding lunch

6. Even at the tender age of two little Billy knew that white stripper shoes and grey stripper shoes just don’t match.

7. Fisher Price’s answer to declining sales – “My First Bottom Bitch”

8. Look at it this way, it’s better than being touched by a priest.

Diggems

Picture credit: fail.org

Kumbaya

The summer of ’93 stays in my memories. I was around 16 years old and the freedom of having a driver’s license tempted the young man in me into gallivanting the countryside. There was only one problem; I was still a member of “The Boy Scouts of America”. Yeah, I said it. Diggems was a boy scout.

Well, before I could toss away that snazzy “neckerchief” and distance myself from the responibilty of helping senile old women cross the street; my parents made me go on one last camping trip with my – soon to be former – troop.

To some kids the thought of camping is a fascinating one. To a hormone riddled 16 year old such as myself, there could have been no worse torture than hanging out in the woods with a bunch of guys learning how to tie knots. Bottom line, it was a horrible time.

Now, here I am at 32. I’m starting to develop a better appreciation for the little things in life. You know, trees, blue skies, grassy fields and internet porn… the usual. The other day a few friends of mine invited me on a one day excursion into the great outdoors. At first I was hesitant. Flashbacks of my zit covered mug spraying insect repellent on my already cheesy face made me shudder. The real fear didn’t kick in until I sat down and really thought about who I was going with. I would be the only black man with three white guys. Now granted these individuals are very close friends of mine. I have no doubt in my mind that these young men would do everything in their power to ensure my safety, but there a few things that would make most black men pause and re-evaluate their situation. Here’s a list of my immediate concerns:

• White people love animals including mountain lions, bears, and rattle snakes. Black people pretty much hate anything that moves when concerning the wild.
• White people love to take the unbeaten path and explore the world around them. Black people aren’t trying to get lost for shit. You’ll never see a news report about a black person lost on a mountain.
• White people swear that nature loves them. Black people treat Mother Nature like we treat the police. We don’t bother it and hopefully it will leave us the hell alone.

I expressed these concerns to my friends. Their response was, “You worry too much”.

So we’re standing at the parks visitors’ center when one of the park rangers tells us that there is a bear on the loose. He then proceeds to tell us that the park will be closed the next day and the road will be shut down. In other words we would be trapped in the park until late in the afternoon the next day. Did I mention that we would be alone? I looked into my friend’s eyes and I swear on everything I love, this information only made them more excited. I think the only reason they didn’t do a little dance in front of me was out of respect for the sheer look of terrors that plastered my face. Somehow they convinced me that everything was going to be alright and we started our hike into the park.

I know what you’re thinking, “Diggs, did you lose your damn mind?”

And the answer to that is yes! YES I had lost my damn mind. I officially became that black guy who is the first person to die in horror movies.

I have to admit it though, the hike was fun. It was some of the most beautiful, majestic, jaw dropping scenery I’ve seen in a long time. The rest of the evening was just as great. We found a cool camp spot, set up the tent and built a fire. Aside from the occasional fit of paranoia from the random noises that nature makes, nothing bad happened.

The next day we walked to check out one of the park’s waterfalls, packed our stuff and headed back home. The negro foreign exchange program was a glowing success. No negro’s were harmed in the making of this blog and the “cr*cker to n*gga relationship coalition” is at an all time high.

For our next project we plan to explore the inner working of Tijuana and the magical fun of swine flu.

Diggems

This Picture Makes Me Think…

It’s time for another another dose of “This Picture Makes Me Think…”. Today we have two of the bravest SWAT police ever…

1. After a nerve wracking three hour standoff, police finally convinced Knibbles the cat to put down the crack pipe and surrender peacefully

2. “STAY RIGHT FUCKING THERE CUTE LITTLE KITTY! I’M NOT GOING TO REPEAT MYSELF AGAIN!”

3. When Knibble overheard someone say that you can make a lot of money “selling some tail” on the corner, I don’t think he knew quite what was involved… 

4. “Hey Jeff, I think this guy’s begging for a cavity search.”

5. Judging from the surroundings, this is probably the most excitement these two have had in years…

6. Exactly what purpose do those kevlar knee pads serve?

7. Why we should ban assault rifles: Exhibit A…

8. The cat under the Jeep Cherokee (look closely) is probably thinking, “Damn I’m glad it was Knibbles’ turn to score the pot!”

 Max

May the 4th be With You!

Today is Star Wars Day, and since May 25th, 1977, the official release date of Star Wars IV: A New Hope, what an intergalactic journey it’s been. None can question the absolute juggernaut status that the franchise commands; representing the third most financially successful film franchise in movie history, behind only James Bond and Harry Potter respectively, with over $4.3 Billion dollars in total box office sales.

Like any attempt at epic story telling spanning multiple movies, books or other literary formats, there are bound to be some steaming piles of shit… and George has had more than his fair share, with more being produced weekly (Clone Wars cartoon we’re looking at you…). However, on this day honoring Mr. Lucas’ epic achievements, I’m not going to pile on him about the Star Wars Holiday Special, which admittedly he had no involvement in (I’ve included the entire thing if you want to watch it and have an extremely strong stomach, lots of Pepto Bismol, or simply hate yourself enough to subject yourself to the worlds worst movie spinoff):

Anyway, like I’ve said, on this day we want to honor George Lucas for all of his shining accomplishments, from creating one of the greatest media franchises of all time, spawning an entire generation of weirdos, revolutionizing special effects and movie story telling, and coining one of the coolest phrases ever… May the 4th Be With You!

Max

You Can’t Be Told What The Matrix Is…

The Wachowski brothers, creators of  “The Matrix”, have lived a very private life. Not too many people get the opportunity to interview them, take pictures, or even hang out with them. Many see this reclusive behavior as a byproduct of their brilliant eccentricities. Rumor mills have been churning out reasons for this isolation for years. I’ve heard everything from them having some type of agoraphobia, to their public relation people keeping them under wraps because they’re assholes. Well a photo just hit the web showing Andy Wachowski making a dramatic transformation. There’s really no need to talk about it, pictures speak louder than words.

BEFORE

AFTER

Personally, I could give a damn what they dress up as, just as long as they continue making great movies.  

(Speed Racer is exempt)  

Diggems

You Can Get The Tip of My . . . .

Come to work looking like this and you can have my car!

Hello my fellow Fuckiteers. It’s your friendly neighborhood Diggems giving his ever so loved opinion on life. I just came back from a burger stand that’s a couple of blocks from my apartment. It’s one of those spots that you would probably pass by everyday and never notice. You know, the one with the shitty wholesale Coca-Cola sign with the company name written in black above it. It’s the kind of place that makes you grateful for the restaurant grading system, just to highlight what type of biological hazard you’re about to engulf. This little shanty is run by two guys who look like they’ve just passed their parole hearing a couple days ago, and are now members of the jailhouse parolee employment plan.

Even with all that though, for some odd reason, I can’t help but consider them when I’m ready to stuff my face. I must admit, they make some damn good burgers.

Anyway, I digress… What really pisses me off about this place and other establishments like it is not the service, even though their version of service with a smile is a jacked up mouth that was probably used to polish some security guards “pole” while serving time stuck in the “hole”. It certainly isn’t the location either, considering that on any dark and unsettling night this location would likely be a haven for seasoned criminals looking to practice the fine art of rape and battery. For me it’s much simpler than that. The thing that pisses me off about this place is the tip jar.

Why in the world do people feel the need to place a shitty little tip jar on the counter and expect you to donate even more of your hard earned money for a service that is supposed to be included in the price? I’m not against tipping in general, just those greedy bastards that take the general public as a bunch of ass hats ready to willingly fork over their cash.

Now jobs that have waitresses or bartender in the title are exempt from this verbal barrage. These fine individuals have a real reason to expect a little something. They perform a service that can be monetarily evaluated by the type of service given. You don’t tip these individuals because they are doing their job, you tip them because they did something to increase the quality of services already rendered. If I order coffee and the young lady serving me is pleasant, checks on me from time to time and hastily takes away my dishes; she deserves a little extra for making my experience a wonderful one.

On the other hand, if you’re a burger slinger at the local roach haven flipping patties, you do not deserve anything extra because you didn’t do anything to exceed the expectation of your job description. So with that being said, do not hint at the tip jar, look at the tip jar or even insinuate that I should reward you for doing your job. It makes about as much sense as tipping a geography teacher for pointing out where Angola is on the map. If you didn’t do shit, so don’t expect shit.

The burger shack that I referred to earlier recently insulted my intelligence when the grease monkey behind the counter gave me a troubling look because I disregarded his visual cue to entertain the tip jar. Honestly, if he hadn’t looked like a man that wouldn’t have any issue with violating his parole by bashing my head in with the greasy spatula in his hand, I would have told him about himself. Fortunately for me I enjoy not being someone’s prison bitch. And even more so, I really enjoy their tasty penitentiary inspired burgers. I’ll be sure to keep all this in mind if I ever do time. I’m sure the prison guard that I mouth off to will also expect a tip after he dents my skull in with his billy club. I can only imagine what the service would be like without the gratuity.

Diggems

Official Geek Certified Sneakers

If you are a geek, videogame fan, nostalgic or just a fan of cool shit, you must pick up a pair of these NES Nike Air Max. Check out the “start” button near the top of the shoe, and the d-pad shaped symbols etched into the material just beneath the red trim… Sweet!

Not that any geek would actually use these to run around in, since you can barely get most videogame junkies to leave the secure comfort of their mother’s basement, but as a collectors item these babies are second to none!

Max