Would You Like That Booger Super-sized?

Some of the absolute best advice that I received as a kid came from another pimple popping adolescent. To this day it still rings crystal clear to me.

Never mess with the people who prepare your food.”

This same friend would bring me to his place of employment for a free grub hook-up. Since he ran the small burger shop by himself, he would let me and a few other friends inside the kitchen where we would all hang out. As expected, some customer would pull up to the drive-through window; however, sometimes they would make some smart ass comment or just be extra aggravating. These were the times the “three ring service” would kick into full gear.

No matter what the person ordered, my friends made sure they gave their meal the extra attention it needed. Pubic hairs, boogers, ear wax all came standard. The joy in “food assassination” came with the creative ways to add an extra touch of gross to the order. If one of the fellas showed up fresh from some scally-wag’s house reeking of teenage poon-tang, you can bet your sweet ass that a hand full of sweaty vaginal juice coated balls would soon be added to the seasoning.

It quickly became quite a contest to see who could out-gross the other. I remember once there was a soda straw that the guys used to stir drinks. In a moment’s notice that same soda straw would sit in the hot stank crack of an ass for minutes, slowly being farted on and nudged ever so delicately towards the taint. They would even swirl it around the toilet bowl a couple of times – just for good measure.

I’m sorry for taking so long with that order sir, here’s a free drink on us,” it was service with a smile!

I say this because yesterday two employees of Domino’s Pizza thought it would be hilarious to record their high jinks and post the evidence on Youtube. The video spread like wild fire and within a matter of hours became a Youtube sensation. News hit Domino’s corporate office and the VP of Communications, Tim Mcintyre, immediately fired both employees. One of the employees Kristy Hammonds sent out an apology letter stating that it was all just a joke, and that none of the food she and Michael made actually went to a customer. I think we can all agree that this was a line of bullshit. I will give Domino’s credit for one thing though, they found out where the domino’s was located, who the employees were, fired them and released a statement within a 24 hours… If only the rest of corporate American ran this efficiently.

The sad conclusion to all of this is the reality of how common it really is. It’s pretty much a guarantee that, at some time in your life, you have, or will, come across some food that’s been tampered with. If you’re a notorious asshole to servers or waiters, it’s probably happened to you more frequently than you’d care to know. I wonder if the five second rule applies to shit straws and cheesy ear wax? So do yourself a favor, instead of expecting service with a smile, go the extra step and give good consumerism with a smile. I’m sure your immune system will thank you for it.



The President of Domino’s, Patrick Doyle, made a youtube video explaining the situation.  I think he did a good job of trying to defuse this terrible event.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m still no longer a fan of Domino’s, but at least he gave a gallant effort.


Add to FacebookAdd to DiggAdd to Del.icio.usAdd to StumbleuponAdd to RedditAdd to BlinklistAdd to Ma.gnoliaAdd to TechnoratiAdd to FurlAdd to Newsvine


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: