Archive for relationships

The Live-in Part 1

Posted in Real Talk with tags , , , , , , on July 21, 2009 by Diggems

The set up
You’ve found the perfect girl. She’s hot, funny, your friends love her, the sex is incredible and you even like the same stupid things.

One day while the both of you are out eating ice cream, she hits you with a question, “Where do you think this relationship is heading?”

You’re so shocked to hear this that you damn near choke on your creamy delight. All you can think is, “please don’t talk about marriage.”

Then she hits you with it, “I think we should move in together.”

You’re instantly relieved because it’s not what you thought it would be. Now your guard is down and she has you exactly where she wants you. Take it from me man. Don’t do it. Drop the ice-cream and run. Don’t look back just keep running. Run like Freddy Kruger is on your ass. Run like the police found a murder weapon with your finger prints, run for your fucking life.

Don’t Do It!
I know what your probably thinking. Not my girl man. She’s great. We laugh, talk, get along, everybody loves her, it’s all good man. Yeah, that’s what me and many other defeated men said as well. Many of my friends tried to warn me, my dad even tried to warn me; in fact every man who’s ever lived with their woman for more than a year all said the exact same thing, “Think that shit through man, don’t rush it, believe me.”

And now here I am saying the same gems that were passed along to me that I duly ignored. Think it out man. Really think it out.

I’ve composed a few things that you are guaranteed to go through if you decide not to listen to me. I wouldn’t really call it advice. It’s more like an explanation of the process that you’re going to go through. What kind of man would I be if I didn’t warn you.

The Move In
First things first. Now that you’ve told the lady of your life that you are willing and wanting to spend every waking moment with them (more on this later), you have to consolidate all your things to go into one location… hold on, let me correct that, you have to get rid of most of your shit so that she can keep all of her shit.

The great poster of the dogs playing poker? Gone! Your incredible collection of girly magazines? Peace! The great sofa that you’ve slept on, ate on, gamed on, watched movies and cheered for your favorite team!?!? Boy stop… adios! In your lady’s eyes it’s all trash.

Your walls will soon be lined with photographs of ballets and horses. You’ll have things in your crib that you’ve never seen before like end tables, coasters and candles.

Whether you’re moving in with her, getting a new place, or she’s moving in with you; the end result will always be the same. You are officially a visitor in a place where you pay rent or a mortgage. Get use to it because it’s never going to change. If you’re lucky and some of us actually are, you’ll get a little room off to the side for your stuff. In reality it’s just a storage facility for the things she’s willing to tolerate… for now.

Quality Time
The only time I’ve ever really heard this term used is when I lived with my lady. When you lived in separate spaces quality time was ANY time spent with your significant other. You guys were so in love back then that even a small chat in the living room was a memorable moment. Not anymore. Even though you see your lady all day every day, it’s still not enough. Quality time takes on a whole new meaning when you’re living with your lady. I’ve worked it out into a mathematical equation that can easily sum it up:

The amount of quality time (qt) received is directly proportional to the amount of money spent ($) multiplied by the distance traveled (dt) to reach quality time destination. ($ x dt = qt)

If you happened to be going with friends. That number is divided by how many other people go with you ($ x dt/f = qt). If those other people include your male friends, the power of that division is doubled ($ x dt/2f = qt). I know that all sounds strange to you guys that have never done this before but trust me the math is perfect.

Stayed tuned for part 2


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and then she said. . .

Posted in The Vent with tags , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2009 by Diggems

I’m at coffee shop finishing up some work when a young lady sits at the table next to me. I do the typical quick glance to see if she’s worth a second look. 4 glances at her pretty face later I decided I have already answered my own question. I dive back into my computer screen and finish up the project that was duly stopped for a worthwhile cause. A few minutes later I see a side-to-side motion in my peripheral vision. It’s the cutie pie across from me. She’s trying to get my attention.

I’m so sorry to bother you but I wanted to know if it would be too much to ask if I could check my e-mail on your computer. It’s really important.”

Sure I was just about to finish up anyway.”

Her face lights up and she scoots her chair beside mine.

Thank you so much. Nobody else around here seemed very friendly.”

I look around and the place is swarming with young men and woman. Practically everybody has a smile on their face.

She hops on the keyboard and proceeds to check her mail. As she’s surfing we go through the typical pleasantries. My name’s this, I do that, I live here, blah, blah, blah. We small talked for about 10 minutes. She seemed like a very nice girl. Then out of the blue she hits me with “it”. She goes through the same old song and dance that every cute girl gives every guy.

Most of my friends are guys. I don’t hang out with girls. Girls are just too hard to get along with.”

All I could think is, “Oh boy, here we go again…

Ok… I’m curious. Do women really think it’s a turn on for a guy to find out that you have an entire stable of other men that you spend the majority of your time with?!? Now granted, I do believe in the possibility of plutonic relationships between men and woman. I personally have a few that are absolutely exceptional; however, I find it very difficult to believe that one woman with a shit ton of male friends can be plutonic in every situation.

Now whether or not this particular young lady is sleeping with the majority of her male friends is a mystery to me, but I’m pretty certain a line has been crossed on multiple occasions before. I love my female plutonic friends. I love them to death! However, have I slept with “some” of said plutonic friends? Abso-fucking-lutely! It’s just the nature of the male/female relationship. We’re hard wired to be attracted to one another. It’s not a social, racial, financial, east coast, west coast thing. It’s just a human thing. My issue isn’t with the friendship, it’s with the assumption that you think I’m a fool. Many women pull this one trick pony out of their hat as a way to justify and clear the palette for future actions concerning said male friends. For me it’s an immediate red flag.

I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve hung out with a female friend, that I’ve either had relations with or am currently having relations with, and have been introduced to their significant other. I typically just sit there with a shit eating grin on my face and give the appropriate levels of dap and conversation to the other lad.

After the meet-and-greet is over with, my female friend pulls the guy off to the side and whispers the usual appeasement, “See, I told you he was cool. You have nothing to worry about”.

(cue laugh track)

My other issue with the whole “I can’t hang around girls” bullshit, is the social factor. How are we supposed to communicate properly if you’re incapable of conveying basic dialogue with someone of the same gender? It’s almost as bad as black people that hate other black people, or Christians that hate other Christians. I don’t understand how you can hate what you are! If everybody else in that particular sub group can get along, why can’t you? It seems pretty obvious that the problem doesn’t reside in the group, but in you. I’m certain that every girl who fits this category has some reason why their story should be exempt from this broadstroke of generalization. Everybody wants to be the exception to the rule but the problem with that is… you’re not.

I think all of you female-on-female haters need to take a long deep look in the mirror and see what the hell is wrong with you. Sure not every woman is going to love you and you’re certainly not going to love every other woman, but to proclaim loudly that you’re incapable of a basic human interface with someone because they share the same plumbing as you is completely silly.

Get over your ego and go make some damn friends.


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