The Throne Room

Posted in The Vent with tags , , , , , , on July 19, 2009 by Max

The Throne Room – that special place where one of our most deeply personal and private pursuit’s occurs. Now before continuing I am willing to acknowledge that some may find this subject uncouth, or gauche, or just plain off limits; however, for men, that private time spent alone in the bathroom represents our one true moment of blissful solitude. Understand this, women, and you understand the essence of man himself.

Imagine, he’s been in a relationship with the same woman for 20 years of his adult life, never really knowing the true meaning of the word “Freedom”. Within that humble abode that you both call “home”, almost every single room is a shared experience; the living room, the dining room, media room, and of course the bedroom.

How much he must welcome then, the sheer tranquility that comes from being able to sit quietly, undisturbed, in the last frontier – the last bastion of solitude and freedom – and just relax!

Now understand that we are not referring to a bathroom similar in proportion and grandeur to the one in which the Queen of England handles her most royal of businesses. This is not the same bathroom in which Al Pacino’s character Tony “Scarface” Montana bathed, in his huge sunken hot tub, whilst accosting Michelle Phieffer’s character Elvira Hancock. Ohhh no you silly fool! What we are referring to is that 5’ by 9’, coat closet-like room that contains two dirty towels, old magazines, three year old potpourri, a half empty roll of toilet paper and the most important piece of porcelain known to mankind.

This place, that every adult male secretly calls his “home within the home”, is the half that the realtor dismissively referred to when pointing out the fact that your soon-to-be new house contained three and a HALF bathrooms. Little did you know, ladies, that this room did more to finalize closing on that house than the island sinks in the kitchen, the two car garage, the huge two acre plot of land, yes… even more than little Timmy’s own personal bedroom.

This tiny, almost innocuous, “room” was the final nudge necessary to make that special man in your life look you right in your eyes, and with a near imperceptible sigh of relief and ecstacy proclaim, “This is the one we’ve been searching for

So please women, the next time you’re looking for your man – be he a boyfriend, fiancé or husband – and after ten minutes of yelling from upstairs with no results, you decide to head downstairs and you see the door to “that room” closed and hear the fan quietly whirring with that sweet melody of circulation… Please! Don’t knock… Don’t open… Don’t wait! Just turn the fuck around and take your ass right back up those stairs. Because at that very moment the king is on this throne… and the royal court is in session!

Besides you already have your own personal wing within our private kingdom and we men are happy to leave you in there undisturbed… It’s called the kitchen!

Max

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Manscaping

Posted in The Vent with tags , , , , , , , , , on July 16, 2009 by Diggems


This ain’t your daddy’s type of grooming.

We live in a age where appearances speak volumes. The pussification of the man is in full swing. Long gone are the days of the 60’s and 70’s when it was considered sheik to walk around the beach with man fro on your chest. Nowadays that trend seems to be rapidly declining. We have everyday guys walking around here like Michael Phelps shaving chest hair and waxing their legs. I understand the importance of necessary grooming but unless you’re running or swimming for a gold medal there’s really no excuse for you to be shaving your legs.

There’s also another deeper, darker method of the manscaping process. The clippers and razors have now moved to the crotch. Like the funny shrubs at Disney Land, men are also clipping their pubes in an effort to maintain the status quo. I hate to admit that I have also become a victim of said pussification. I was the first to stand on the soapbox and point out the man hoes that were participating. Now I’ve relieved my stand and proudly stand amongst my bitch made brethren. My name is Diggems and I actively participate in manscaping. Alright, now that’s done let’s get back to the explanation.

Upperbody
First of all I’m not a hairy man to begin with. My follicles just don’t have the umph to pull off a chest beard. Any attempts to flaunt my peck carpet would only result in high pitch laughter from the neighboring lady folk. If you’re cursed with limited chest hair such as myself, do yourself a favor and the people around you a favor and clip those six mangy hairs off your chest. Like a balding man sporting a comb over, you’re only fooling yourself.

Ladies also seem to be more particular about a man’s armpit hair. The general consensus I’ve received is that shaven armpits are not a career ender for blossoming relationships. The flip side of that coin is the guy who appear to have buckwheat in a headlock. If you’re capable of actually combing your armpit hair then you are a sure fire candidate for a trim.

The absolute game ender for young men this summer is back hair. Thank you sweet Jesus for not cursing me with the mark of the beast. If you’re sporting a man sweater find a female friend, preferable a chick you’re not interested in, and have her weed whack that shit off. No lady wants to lay on your back and choke down back fur while she’s nibbling on your shoulder blades.

Lower body
This is the gray area of the manscaping process. Females don’t seem to mind hairy legs as much. In fact some think it’s really attractive. This is a subject best left to whatever type of responses you receive when sporting your man leggings. Personally, I feel it’s kind of weird shaving your legs but hey, it’s whatever floats your boat. The real meat and potatoes are the areas we’re about to discuss.

The Wedding Tackle
Here it is fellas… the place most sensitive to our egos. The twig and berries. This should be a carefully thought out and well groomed area. Believe me when I say this. NO woman wants to be diddling around downstairs only to find a crime scene between your legs. There’s many pros and cons to the way this can, and should, be done. Remeber, I’m only offering advice. I’m sure each of your have your own methods of getting your shag carpet up to speed.

You generally have three major choices. 1) You have the blow out – which is just letting your genital whiskers ran amuck unchecked. 2) There’s the light trim – which is the equivalent of a light taper or a “Caesar”. And then there’s the baby Stewie – this is when you shave everything to the point of looking like a new born baby.

I’ve tried all three and my advice is to do everything in moderation. When I came out of my draws looking like the wolfman I never received any complaints. Most females simply brushed my crotch-fro to side and continued like nothing even mattered.

When I rocked my tight taper. I got tons of comments ranging from, “Wow, that looks really sporty” to “Awhhh, you think you’re Hollywood now”. Whatever the case, none of the comments we’re bad.

Wearing the Stewie was another animal entirely! There’s just something funny about a grown ass man walking around sporting wood with no visible mane for proof of your maturation. You can’t beat the response you’ll get from this doozie. It’s an instant conversation starter.

Ultimately though, all of this clipping won’t mean a damn thing if you don’t trim or shave the hair on your sacks. If you’ve never had your balls properly “tended to” by the fairer sex, it’s probably because your sack game was not up to speed. I don’t really have any advice on how to manage your balls. All I can hope for is that you have a steady hand, especially if you’re using a razor. It’s one thing to get a nick on your cheek and it’s whole other thing to accidentally slice the skin off of your nuts.  One thing is for sure though, you’ll also be surprised how much more interested your lady will be concerning the offering of  “oral delights”; it’s like a puppy playing with a new chew toy.

Personally I still rock the Caesar. Yeah, I know it sounds gay, but fuck it. It’s cleaner, sportier, and it shows the young lady in your life that you care enough to clean up a little before she “cleans” you up a little.

Diggems

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So Wavy

Posted in Interesting Events with tags , , , , , , , , , , , , on July 14, 2009 by Max

Hmmmm… Let’s see where this one goes! Westcoast rapper The Game has taken a serious shot at Jay-Z in his new song “I’m So Wavy”. In addition to Jigga, he touches on video hoe extraordinaire – Amber Rose – and of course takes his typical shot at everyone’s favorite steroid user… I mean… body builder, Curtis “fiddy cent” Jackson.

I have a feeling that Jay will respond, but I don’t see this “beef” going any further than a couple of underground joints and a cartoon. Of course I’ve been wrong before; although, in my own defense I’ve only been wrong once and I only tried it because I wanted to know what being wrong felt like…

So lets see if this leads to Biggie vs Tupac 2… Chances are it won’t, you just don’t risk getting killed with an ass like this waiting for you in your million dollar Manhattan apartment…

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Beef with The Game... or Birfday sex with this... Hmmmmmm

Apple Netbook Rumor Gaining Legs

Posted in Stuff with tags , , , , , , , , , , on July 13, 2009 by Max

mtv30Apple Touchscreen Netbook to Launch in October at $800?

The following article was translated from Mandarin to English. If you wish to view the original article (in Mandarin), the link is available at the bottom.

[China Times] – Although there are many reports that highlight the new iPhone debut during the last month as well as Steve Jobs’ return, Jobs will not face any new product shortage, at least not for this year. Taiwan’s high-tech supply chain companies said Apple will debut its first netbook in October; Apple will pose itself to tackle the Christmas shopping season. Three corporations – Foxconn, Wintek, Dynapack have received direct orders from Apple. (Wintek will be producing touch screens and providing relevant technologies for Apple.) In addition, some supply chain companies have privately confirmed deals related to netbooks (Direct quote: “台灣科技供應鏈廠商透露,蘋果小筆電將於10月登場”).

During the past several years, there have been countless rumors about Apple competing in the netbook market, but this year, Apple formally finalized orders for netbooks. According to past patterns, Apple normally holds news conference showcasing new products in October, announcing new products for the upcoming shopping season. Last year, for example, new Macbooks (and upgrades) were announced…

According to reliable information, Apple will not follow the current market trend (by producing netbooks with screens about 10.2 or 10.1 inches in diagonal length.) Instead, Apple will produce screens with about 9.7 inches in diagonal length. Touch screen will be installed. Wintek will be the main manufacturer of the touch screen.

In addition, although most of Foxconn’s Macbook orders were gobbled up by Quanta due to fierce competition between the two corporations, Foxconn will be the main manufacture for Apple’s new netbooks, since Foxconn cooperated with Apple on designing and ultimately manufacturing iPhone.

Because Apple will adopt touch screen technology on its netbooks, Apple will not target low-end consumers, avoiding direct competition with Acer, Asus, as well as their less-than-500-dollars netbooks. Apple’s netbook (or a “tablet” as many call it,) will probably be sold at around $800 USD each.

(News source: Business Times reporter ─黄智铭/ Taipei)

Original article (in Mandarin):
http://tw.stock.yahoo.com/news_conte…3/3/1kyqm.html

Update 1: Spokesmen of Foxconn, Wintek, Dynapack refuse to corroborate information about possible netbook deals, reiterating their company policies, which prohibit public disclosure of client information.
Update 2: There were unconfirmed rumors that British reporters obtained information about netbook deals from several Foxconn employees. In order to confirm the validity of this information, these reporters later contacted Foxconn privately, and received positive information. There have been numerous reports in Taiwan about deals between Apple and Foxconn. (Article 1 (Chinese) Article 2 (Chinese) Article 3 (Chinese) Article 4 (Chinese))
Update 3: The screen size of the new netbooks was said to be based on that of Amazon’s Kindle.
Update 4: The netbooks were likely described in its 2005 patent

Max

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This Picture Makes Me Think…

Posted in This Picture Makes Me Think... with tags , , , , on July 13, 2009 by Diggems

RedneckHotub

1. Jasper refused to let the recession ruin his hot tubbing

2. Redneck. . . it’s the other white meat

3. Rusty found the silver lining and decided to cook his own crabs

4. You should see the washing machine

5. Alright, besides the obvious, is that underwear on his head?

6.  This give a whole new meaning to the practice of  “boiling your weiners”…

7. Is it just me or the guy on the left seems like he’s done this before…

8. Jasper had no idea what was required when he agreed to bring the weiners and buns…

9. Beers – Check… Mustard and ketsup – Check… Drunk chicks – Check… White people proving yet again that they’re just “different”… CHECK!

Diggems

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and then she said. . .

Posted in The Vent with tags , , , , , , , , on July 10, 2009 by Diggems

I’m at coffee shop finishing up some work when a young lady sits at the table next to me. I do the typical quick glance to see if she’s worth a second look. 4 glances at her pretty face later I decided I have already answered my own question. I dive back into my computer screen and finish up the project that was duly stopped for a worthwhile cause. A few minutes later I see a side-to-side motion in my peripheral vision. It’s the cutie pie across from me. She’s trying to get my attention.

I’m so sorry to bother you but I wanted to know if it would be too much to ask if I could check my e-mail on your computer. It’s really important.”

Sure I was just about to finish up anyway.”

Her face lights up and she scoots her chair beside mine.

Thank you so much. Nobody else around here seemed very friendly.”

I look around and the place is swarming with young men and woman. Practically everybody has a smile on their face.

She hops on the keyboard and proceeds to check her mail. As she’s surfing we go through the typical pleasantries. My name’s this, I do that, I live here, blah, blah, blah. We small talked for about 10 minutes. She seemed like a very nice girl. Then out of the blue she hits me with “it”. She goes through the same old song and dance that every cute girl gives every guy.

Most of my friends are guys. I don’t hang out with girls. Girls are just too hard to get along with.”

All I could think is, “Oh boy, here we go again…

Ok… I’m curious. Do women really think it’s a turn on for a guy to find out that you have an entire stable of other men that you spend the majority of your time with?!? Now granted, I do believe in the possibility of plutonic relationships between men and woman. I personally have a few that are absolutely exceptional; however, I find it very difficult to believe that one woman with a shit ton of male friends can be plutonic in every situation.

Now whether or not this particular young lady is sleeping with the majority of her male friends is a mystery to me, but I’m pretty certain a line has been crossed on multiple occasions before. I love my female plutonic friends. I love them to death! However, have I slept with “some” of said plutonic friends? Abso-fucking-lutely! It’s just the nature of the male/female relationship. We’re hard wired to be attracted to one another. It’s not a social, racial, financial, east coast, west coast thing. It’s just a human thing. My issue isn’t with the friendship, it’s with the assumption that you think I’m a fool. Many women pull this one trick pony out of their hat as a way to justify and clear the palette for future actions concerning said male friends. For me it’s an immediate red flag.

I can’t even begin to count the number of times I’ve hung out with a female friend, that I’ve either had relations with or am currently having relations with, and have been introduced to their significant other. I typically just sit there with a shit eating grin on my face and give the appropriate levels of dap and conversation to the other lad.

After the meet-and-greet is over with, my female friend pulls the guy off to the side and whispers the usual appeasement, “See, I told you he was cool. You have nothing to worry about”.

(cue laugh track)

My other issue with the whole “I can’t hang around girls” bullshit, is the social factor. How are we supposed to communicate properly if you’re incapable of conveying basic dialogue with someone of the same gender? It’s almost as bad as black people that hate other black people, or Christians that hate other Christians. I don’t understand how you can hate what you are! If everybody else in that particular sub group can get along, why can’t you? It seems pretty obvious that the problem doesn’t reside in the group, but in you. I’m certain that every girl who fits this category has some reason why their story should be exempt from this broadstroke of generalization. Everybody wants to be the exception to the rule but the problem with that is… you’re not.

I think all of you female-on-female haters need to take a long deep look in the mirror and see what the hell is wrong with you. Sure not every woman is going to love you and you’re certainly not going to love every other woman, but to proclaim loudly that you’re incapable of a basic human interface with someone because they share the same plumbing as you is completely silly.

Get over your ego and go make some damn friends.

Diggems

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Just when you thought it was over

Posted in Real Talk with tags , , , , on July 9, 2009 by Diggems

Diggems