The Throne Room

The Throne Room – that special place where one of our most deeply personal and private pursuit’s occurs. Now before continuing I am willing to acknowledge that some may find this subject uncouth, or gauche, or just plain off limits; however, for men, that private time spent alone in the bathroom represents our one true moment of blissful solitude. Understand this, women, and you understand the essence of man himself.

Imagine, he’s been in a relationship with the same woman for 20 years of his adult life, never really knowing the true meaning of the word “Freedom”. Within that humble abode that you both call “home”, almost every single room is a shared experience; the living room, the dining room, media room, and of course the bedroom.

How much he must welcome then, the sheer tranquility that comes from being able to sit quietly, undisturbed, in the last frontier – the last bastion of solitude and freedom – and just relax!

Now understand that we are not referring to a bathroom similar in proportion and grandeur to the one in which the Queen of England handles her most royal of businesses. This is not the same bathroom in which Al Pacino’s character Tony “Scarface” Montana bathed, in his huge sunken hot tub, whilst accosting Michelle Phieffer’s character Elvira Hancock. Ohhh no you silly fool! What we are referring to is that 5’ by 9’, coat closet-like room that contains two dirty towels, old magazines, three year old potpourri, a half empty roll of toilet paper and the most important piece of porcelain known to mankind.

This place, that every adult male secretly calls his “home within the home”, is the half that the realtor dismissively referred to when pointing out the fact that your soon-to-be new house contained three and a HALF bathrooms. Little did you know, ladies, that this room did more to finalize closing on that house than the island sinks in the kitchen, the two car garage, the huge two acre plot of land, yes… even more than little Timmy’s own personal bedroom.

This tiny, almost innocuous, “room” was the final nudge necessary to make that special man in your life look you right in your eyes, and with a near imperceptible sigh of relief and ecstacy proclaim, “This is the one we’ve been searching for

So please women, the next time you’re looking for your man – be he a boyfriend, fiancé or husband – and after ten minutes of yelling from upstairs with no results, you decide to head downstairs and you see the door to “that room” closed and hear the fan quietly whirring with that sweet melody of circulation… Please! Don’t knock… Don’t open… Don’t wait! Just turn the fuck around and take your ass right back up those stairs. Because at that very moment the king is on this throne… and the royal court is in session!

Besides you already have your own personal wing within our private kingdom and we men are happy to leave you in there undisturbed… It’s called the kitchen!


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