F.*.*.K. P.E.T.A.

I’m sick of it… sick, sick, sick, sick. Dogs with raincoats, tigers wearing funny hats and jumping through hoops, environmentalists chaining themselves to trees, and P.E.T.A. I Just want to line them all up and b*tch slap each one individually.

Before moving to California, I was one of the many people that took a real interest in the environment and maintained an even fonder love, value, and respect for animals. The Saturday morning specials that were hosted by animated critters telling us ways to save our planet held a special place in my heart. I was even a sucker for the throbbing piece of sh*t Captain Planet. I was all aboard the Mother Earth Express, sounding the whistle and steaming down the tracks to a destination that lead nowhere.

I personally believe that all of the cheering and jeering about the environment and animal rights comes from two types of people. The first are people who really do see the big picture and where we stand in relation to this earth and it’s inhabitants. The second group is people who just want to start sh*t because they’re idiots. Let’s break this down further shall we…

Mother Earth
When I think of a mother I usually picture a warm, caring, individual that show her undying love. A mother is willing to sacrifice everything to maintain a sense of safety and growth for her children. Whoever coined the term Mother Earth clearly had some serious home issues as a child. They say, “Hell hath no fury like a woman scorned”, and the bitch we call Mother Earth has been scorned for the past 4 billion years.

The planet cares for us about as much as a stray dog cares for it’s fleas, and I’m not just saying that about humans. I’m saying this about all life. This rosy garden of good living that we’re enjoying is just a current phase that our lovely mother is going through. Our species was simply lucky enough to be around when she wasn’t on her period. Let’s break this down further.

The reality is, human beings have only been a resident of Mother Earth’s global community for about 150,000 years. Prior to this, dinosaurs ran the planet with an iron fist continually for over 150 million years. Look where they are now. Really sit back and think about that for awhile. Dinosaurs ruled this planet for over 150 million years and within the blink of an eye disappeared as an entire species. Do you think our Mother Earth shed even a single tear? Nope. Do you know why? Because she doesn’t give a sh*t.

There was a point in time when the desert that sits between the Tigris and Euphrates rivers was a fertile crescent, commonly called the starting point of all human life. Now look at it, an endless wasteland of sand, sun and rocks. Did we humans do that? Nope. Does the planet move on unconcerned? Yep.

Listen, there is no way… I repeat, no way the planet is in any danger from us humans. In fact, it is the other way around my friends. Even if we detonated every nuclear weapon ever made simultaneously, the planet would still exist. Now don’t get me wrong, the planet would not be the same for millions of years; however, the next species sitting in line at the “waiting room of life” would get their number called and pick up exactly where we left off. The only major change… we wouldn’t exist.

Seriously, we as a species need to get over our collective egos. In the grand scheme of things we aren’t sh*t. We have zero power over this planet. Granted, we can make life very uncomfortable for ourselves and the unlucky life forms that happen to share the same space as us currently, but even they don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. At our absolute worst we’re just a mere annoyance to this planet, a mild rash that can quickly be resolved with a little ointment.

You see, unlike Mother Earth, we humans are not immune to the laws of nature; over population, pollution, and the stripping of natural resources are all just road signs that lead to the law of supply and demand. What this means is, when the resources that fuel our species finally run out we’ll either adjust and reduce our numbers or simply die out. Our greatest gifts, rational thought and opposable thumbs, will probably be our undoing, but certainly not earth’s. Which leads me to…

Animal rights
First let me start by saying f*ck P.E.T.A. which, if you didn’t already know, stands for “People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals“. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t dislike or hate animals. From the time I was born until my first year of college I have always had some type of pet. Dogs, hamsters, fishes, and ferrets; I’ve owned them all. I’ve cried over my furry best friend’s death, flushed countless fish down the toilet, and given away one of the coolest ferrets in history because my dorm didn’t allow pets. Animals have always been a part of my life.

There is; however, a sick perversion going on in America today, an ideal that is twisting the fabric of our society in a way that is causing me to pause and rethink the rationale among members of our culture. It’s actually a localized phenomenon that seems to be rooted in all western culture. I’m talking about the uplifting, protecting, and worshiping of animals above our own species. It’s sick, appalling and quite frankly makes me want to vomit.

In the city of Los Angeles, where I live, people worship their pets. They have a hard time recognizing the hierarchy between man and animal. This was made especially clear during the Michael Vick trial.

In case you don’t know, or have been living in a shoebox for the past few years, Michael Vick was a star NFL quarterback for the Atlanta Falcons football franchise. He was charged, and sentenced to serve time in prison for breeding and fighting pit bulls. Let me make this clear; his livelihood, youth, and freedom were taken from him because he allowed dogs to fight.

Organization like P.E.T.A. surged to the forefront in order to peddle their piss poor agenda and make Vick the public scapegoat for animal rights. Now granted, as a man who has a fondness for life, I certainly do not feel that Michael Vicks actions were in good taste, I personally do not go out of my way to watch dogs bite the sh*t out of one another, or leg hump their owners, but I also do not travel to Vegas to watch tigers wear aprons and jump through hoops. It’s just not my cup of tea; however, I would never attempt to imprison a human being because he found a way to turn a quick buck at an animal’s expense. As far as I can tell, one perk of being a dominant species includes the authority to use other life forms as stepping stones for progress and entertainment.

We as human being have grown far too comfortable with our inherited kingdom at the top of the food chain. The reality is, we haven’t been here that long. I’m sure the Geico caveman would happily drop a few opinions of his own if he wasn’t so busy avoiding the insurance people.

He would probably talk about the cold nights spent in his cave shivering, pissed off because he was unable to kill the deer that was wearing the fur coat that would have kept him warm. He would probably reminisce about the days of hastily climbing up trees to avoid being chewed to bits by a pack of ravenous wolves. He would probably even chuckle at the fact that he was forced to eat nuts and berries for a week because he wasn’t fast enough to catch the wild boar that narrowly avoided his spear.

When all was said and done, he would probably look at our society humorously, pull out his caveman wallet and put a crisp fifty dollar bill on “Sparky” the spotted pit-bull to win his match in Michael Vicks dog fighting ring. Then, after he had collected his winnings from Sparky’s painful but triumphant victory, he would probably club Sparky over the head, drag his twitching corpse to a neighboring fire pit and rotate him ever so slowly over the glowing coals.

Our society exists today because we stand on the shoulders of individuals that did not have the luxury of grocery stores and gunpowder. These individuals weren’t vegetarians because it was the “hip” thing to do. When they didn’t eat meat it was because they just weren’t fortunate enough to catch it, or because they were too busy avoiding becoming something else’s fast food. If they ever chose vegetables over meat it wasn’t because they were trying to protect some animals feelings, it was purely a matter of survival.

I think all animal rights activists should be forced to live in the wild for 5 years with only their wits and a spear. We’ll see how quickly they march in demonstrations for the preservation of the grey wolf and white tiger when their ass is busy being chased by one. In fact, the same goes for all of the overzealous dog lovers.

There’s a little experiment I would like to try. Let’s starve their dogs for two weeks giving them nothing but water. At the end of the two weeks let’s place a large raw T-Bone steak in the owners hand and ask them to walk into a sealed room and give “Sparky” and nice pat on the head. Let’s see how loyal “Sparky” is then. Let’s see just how hospitable man’s “BFF” can be.

When one has the ability to knowingly dictate the outcome and livelihood of lesser life forms, it’s easy to sit on top of a soapbox and rant about their mistreatment, but once all things are equal it’s always nice to see how quickly the tune changes.

I could go on and on about the absurdity of the western and homo-sapien arrogance, but all this ranting is working up my appetite. I think I’ll take a break and go club me a baby seal. There’s something soothing about the way they squeak when you crack their spine.

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