10 Ways to Avoid the Swine Flu

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10. Don’t kiss, caress or fuck any pigs

9. Don’t look at or inhale the scent of a pepperoni pizza, ham sandwich or pork chops

8. Avoid all police… (get it?)

7. Don’t talk to any Mexicans; if possible don’t even go near a Taco Bell

6. Wearing a surgical mask is certainly an advisable, if not a slightly weird and creepy, way to cut down on airborne swine flu germs

5. Don’t leave your house! Board up all windows, doors, and fireplaces. Better yet, if you have a storm cellar stop reading and head there right now

4. Change your name to Mohammed and embrace the Muslim practice of swearing off anything pork related. It is a proven fact that you cannot be effected by anything that your religion abjectly refuses to acknowledge… On the other hand, if there is a sudden outbreak of “Kebab Flu” you’re fucked!

3. Tin Foil hats have been known to block out the harmful effects of sunburn, radiation, telepathy, all forms of disease and acne… PICK ONE UP NOW!

2. If you see someone sneeze, cough, sniffle, or exhibit any signs of sickness, immediately locate an ax or other sharp cutting utensil, cut off their head and burn the body! Prior to cutting off of head and burning of body, please try to identify whether sneezing, coughing, sniffling is a symptom of allergies, regular flu, or allergic reaction to your cologne/perfume. These methods are also highly effective against zombie outbreaks…

1. Quit watching CNN & Fox News immediately! Severe paranoia caused by their sensationalizing of events is known to create extreme hypochondria which will kill you faster than the damn event that they’re covering!


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2 Responses to “10 Ways to Avoid the Swine Flu”

  1. Not as stupid as thinking that eating pork will give you H1N1 aka Swine Flu…

  2. thats stupid

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