We Have an App for That…

I’m sure everyone has seen the Apple commercials that talk about the vast amount of downloadable iPhone software application that exist.

As an iPhone owner, I must agree, it feels like there is a software app available for nearly every situation… However, in the spirit of true innovation, Daily F*** Its! has decided to put together a list of, what we think are, important iPhone apps that are currently unavailable:

1. “Horny-est Chick in the Club” app – By harnessing the power of Google maps, this application precisely pinpoints the horny-est, drunk-est, ready-to-leave-with-you-est girl in the club. You get turn-by-turn directions right to her seat or spot on the dance floor!

2. “Local Pot Dealer” app – This application is basically identical to the “horny-est chick in the club app”, except it pinpoints all of the pot dealers in a specific zip code.

3. “My Fiancé is about to Give Birth” app (for guys) – This is a multi-purpose application; however, it’s basic function is to get you out of any tight spot. For example, let’s say you are speeding on your way to the office in the morning, and you get pulled over. Before the officer has a chance to ask the inevitable, “Do you know why I pulled you over” question, you fire up this app. The officer will then be greeted by the sound of a woman deeply inhaling and exhaling, cursing, crying and yelling, “Get your ass over here now, I can see its head!” Bye bye speeding ticket!

4. “My Husband Just Fell Off a Ladder” app (for girls) – Same as above, except that instead of a pregnant woman in hysterics, the officer is greeted by the sound of a man wailing like a Japanese school girl in heat…

5. “My Battery was Dead” app –  This is another app designed to get you out of a pickle! I’m sure you’ve had a situation where you walked into the house a little later than your significant other would have liked. If your guy/girl friend is like most, he/she probably called to see where you were, and what you were doing prior to your arrival. By activating this app, you basically de-activate your cell phone’s battery, effectively rendering your phone dead. Like any good app, you will have the option to choose the duration that your phone remains “dead”.

978006084082226. “Mute” – This one is a little far fetched, but f*ck it I’m going to put it on my wish list anyway… This application, harnessing futuristic Star Trek-like technology, creates a sonic dampening field that mutes everything within a 10 foot radius. Seriously… How many times have you been watching a great football game on TV or a fantastic episode of Desperate Housewives, and your significant other decided that they wanted to use that exact moment to share something that just couldn’t wait!?! As long as your TV is further than 10 feet away, and your significant other is within the 10 foot radius, this app will completely mute them, allowing you to enjoy your show in perfect peace. Just remember to look at them and nod in agreement every 20 seconds or so…

7. “Time to Get Laid” app – Activate this app about one minute before you approach a woman that you want to de-flower; then walk up to her and begin a normal, casual conversation. Exactly one minute into your conversation this app causes your phone to ring. A screen that looks identical to the normal “incoming call” screen appears. You press answer and then press speakerphone. A very formal voice comes on and announces solemnly, “Sir (insert your name here) your great aunt Sally just passed and left you her entire 20 million dollar inheritance”… Time to get laid baby!

8. “X-Ray Camera” app – It’s about time someone created real, honest to goodness, x-ray vision. Using your iPhone’s existing camera feature, just take a normal picture of anyone that you choose and then activate this application. Simply put, it digitally removes all of those pesky clothes!

9. “Femail” – Goodbye boring email, it’s time for Femail! Every once in awhile we all take a slightly questionable picture that we want to share with someone else. You really only have two choices, either text or email the picture to the recipient. Well this wonderful program intercepts any nudey pictures sent by a member of the opposite sex that you have in your contacts list, and forwards it to your inbox too! Just hope that mommy doesn’t send daddy a twat-shot whiles he’s at work!

Well, that’s our wish list of currently unavailable iPhone applications. Got some you would like to see? We’d love to hear about them, respond in the comment section!


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One Response to “We Have an App for That…”

  1. Vinny B of NYC Says:

    LMAO! My vote goes to app numbers 1, 6, and 9!

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