The Terrible Tug

200136745-001To stroke or not to stroke?
If there’s any real form of self-help that actually works, masturbation would be it. Why is there so much fuss and embarrassment over “rubbing one out”? There isn’t a human being alive that hasn’t taking part in some form of “sexual solo”. That includes the Dalai Lama, Martin Luther King Jr, and even Mother Theresa. If everybody is doing it, why are so many people denying it?

Confessions of a young masturbator
When I was a teenaged kid dealing with raging hormones and impure thoughts of Lark Voorhies, I was torn as to what to do. Every part of me wanted to stoke my meat until the sun set, but yet I was ashamed to do it.

You’ll get a hairy palm”… I guess this is supposed to work because nobody wants to become a freak of nature…

Others would yell, “You’ll burn in hell.” Well f**k that!

You’ll go blind.” Blind? Seriously? 

And my personal favorite, “Jesus is watching.” I seriously hoped not!

Blah, blah, blah!”

Nature eventually took over and I turned into a closet masturbator. It became my dirty little secret. First, one “morning tug” to wake up. Back from school before my parents got home? The “after school special”. Then, before I fell asleep, a little “just me” to close the night out. At the age of 14 I became a certified professional. I had my technique down and everything.

Now, as an adult, I certainly don’t partake in the knuckle shuffle to the extent that I did when I was younger. I’m not a pubescent kid anymore, trying to understand how my body works. There’s a lot more self control, fewer raging hormones, and fortunately a great girlfriend to curb 90% of those desires. HOWEVER, every now and then I’ll have a teenaged relapse and spiral back into the dark demonic caverns of the damned, and stroke out a little meat sauce. I can’t help it I’m an animal. Hell we all are!

It’s time to stop treating the whole process as taboo! How the hell are you going to know what you like unless you test it out from time to time? A lack of a release ends up turning civilized individuals – like priests – into sick pedophiles.

Science saves the day!
Jerking-off can actually save your life. Science has even proved that men who ejaculate more than 5 times a week between the ages of 20 and 50 were a third less likely to develop prostate cancer later in life. That’s right, you heard it, beat off and fight cancer.

Share a little fun
Here’s a piece of advice that I’m sure many guys will reject and probably many more women will deny. Guys, if you’re in a relationship, get your girl a vibrator. Trust me on this one. She’s already pleasuring herself with her fingers when you’re not looking; might as well give her a little energizer bunny to speed up the process. Her stress will go down, and your life will get a little easier. Sure it’s no substitute for the real thing, but it gives her an appetizer while you set up the main course. If you’re in a relationship, don’t be scared to talk about it. Ask if you can watch her please herself. You’ll be surprised with the things you can learn by watching how she touches herself. Take notes. Explore it all.

School her on how you like to be handled. There’s nothing worse than a girl who thinks your penis is indestructible, yanking and pulling on your sausage like some palsy victim on a caffeine high. Without proper coaching you’ll be huddled in the corner like a rape victim, telling your significant other to “Please step away from the penis”.

F**k it, Just Do It!
Above all else. If you’re not trying to fight cancer, or save your sex life, or whatever noble means you use to justify your tug, just do it because it feels good. If there’s one person you shouldn’t disappoint when it comes to “getting off” it’s yourself. You can be as raunchy or romantic as you please. I for one embrace my wanking with open arms… or should I say open palms. I treat myself like a whore and then fall asleep. It’s the best date ever.


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2 Responses to “The Terrible Tug”

  1. Dude, i’m no doctor just an observer. Just make sure you wash up before you shake my hand.

  2. I “touch myself” up to 3 times a day… Do I have a problem?

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