Meat-a-tarians United

I am hereby considering myself a meat-a-tarian.  I’m sick of all these leaf eaters looking at my meals and wrinkling their nose.  You can take all your plant-loving beliefs and shove them up the ass of a tasty bacon fried ham.  I actually had a woman, whom I didn’t know, inform me of all the health risks my bacon double cheeseburger induced.  She stood there whipping her hair back, standing on her podium of organic bullsh*t and lectured me! I had to look around a couple of times just to make sure she wasn’t talking to somebody else.

“You do realize that pigs eat their own feces,” she started.

A couple of people around my table listened in, acting as if they were really interested in something else.

Animals were put here to enjoy this lovely planet with the rest of us.”

She actually tried to ram this pointless piece of information down my throat in a joking fashion.  I took another bite of my greasy burger letting the ketchup and meat bits fall from my mouth and back on the plate.  I’m typically not a messy eater, but this time around I didn’t give a shit.

“Oh really?” I responded.

It’s times like this that I hate being a nice guy, because I really wanted to lay into this leaf eater.  She could probably tell from the look on my face that I wasn’t amused.

“I hope your not offended by my observation,” she continued unfazed. “I just wanted you to know that you should give vegetables a chance.”

I did,” I responded sarcastically,  “I ordered the fries.”

TODAY! It’s time to take action fellow meat eaters.  It’s time to bring back our right to shoot, slaughter, and cage tasty animals for our own enjoyment.  The days of lying in grassy fields eating roots and twigs is over.  Let’s all band together and go slaughter something.  Let’s try out new meats.  I bet panda would taste exquisite slowly roasting over hot burning coals.  We need to broaden our horizons, think outside the box.  Just think about it, sautéed baby seals fresh off the club with a nice vinaigrette sauce.  Mmmmm mmmm good.

I reject you vegetarians.  I reject you P.E.T.A..  Our ancestors didn’t get devoured by sabre tooth tigers and wolves so that I could sit around the house eating tofu all day.  It’s time for some get back.  I declare today “National Slap a Plant Eater Day”.  It’s easy to do.  Just sprinkle some organic lettuce around (they’re attracted to that sh**t like felines to catnip), and when they all show up in their Toyota Prius’ and hemp made clothing, you make your move.  Slap them like your life depends on it.  Slap ’em till they squeal.  The human race depends on it!  Do it for yourself, do it for your children!  Do it for America!



2 Responses to “Meat-a-tarians United”


  2. Michelle1247 Says:

    Ok Andrew Zimmern!

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