Green With Apathy: Green vs. Neo-Green

The Weigh in
In America everyone gets their fifteen minutes of fame. This concept; however, is not only reserved for fat people running naked through baseball games. For example, if you’re like me, you’re witnessing a new corporate fad firmly taking hold around the nation. What am I talking about here? GREEN! Green is the new Black. From “Green Energy” to “Green Technology”; Green is the new buzz word for conscientious, environmentally smart, and responsible. If your car, house and clothes aren’t Green, you’re part of the out-crowd, a modern day Neanderthal. Once the subject is given some serious thought; however, you must ask yourself the following questions. Is being Green really that new? What is Green? Am I Green? And does it really matter?

Blue Corner: Old School Greens
If I was one of the lifelong, card-carrying members of Green Peace I’m not sure how I would feel right now. After years of ridicule, being called names like tree hugger, sissy, environmental kook, and my personal favorite – f*ggot; how vindicating does it feel to suddenly be the alumni in a growing movement towards environmental protectionism. For decades, organizations like Green Peace and Earth First! have carried the mantle for mother earth with zero popular support. They’ve fought Big Oil on behalf of the oceans, they’ve been the unwavering, and at times solitary, voices against corporate negligence and irresponsibility. Even in the face of a growing global Green fad, these “Captain Planets” have remained steadfast in their mission, chaining themselves to trees, harassing companies and their CEOs, and at times resorting to questionable behavior in order to be heard.

Red Corner: New School Greens
Then there is the rest of us, the “Neo Greens”. Most of us don’t understand the precarious situation facing the Humpback Whale. Many of us don’t care about the dwindling number of honey bees. Most of us don’t know about the alarming rate at which our polar caps are melting. What we do know; however, is the price of gasoline at the pump. We understand the impact that rising oil prices have on our heating and cooling bills. We represent the capitalistic approach to “Green”. It’s the same approach corporations are now employing, “If being Green will save some ‘Greenbacks’, maybe Green ain’t so bad!”

Old versus New
This sudden rush towards being Green reminds me of a scene in the movie Half Baked. In this scene Dave Chappelle is in a group session for recovering drug addicts. Dave’s character stands up and shares his story as a recovering pot addict. Half way through Dave’s speech, another addict jumps up and exclaims “Marijuana is not a drug. I used to suck d*ck for coke. Now that’s an addiction. You ever suck some d*ck for marijuana?“. I get the feeling that all of the members of Green Peace want to jump up and scream, “Driving a Toyota Prius is not Green! I used to shave monkeys for the environment. Now that’s Green. You ever shave a monkey butt-ass-naked for the icecaps!?!”

And the winner is…
I guess it’s all about perspective, but seriously I don’t consider myself Green just because I throw my plastic bags in the trash and not the sidewalk. I don’t drive a Hummer H2, but I do run my A/C on high in the summertime. I may pay more attention to our environment today than ever before, but I’m not going to insult all the true Greens by stealing their word and slapping it on the end of every press release and new product or idea. I hope the Green Peace’s and Earth First’s! of the world feel some vindication for their many years of unappreciated hard work and effort, but if not, hopefully they can at least take some comfort in knowing that all of those skin-bald monkeys recognize their contribution to a greener – cleaner environment!

By the way, can anyone tell me what shaving a chimpanzee cleaner than a babies balls does for the ozone layer?



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