1. “You said I hold her like this daddy?”

2. This is what happens when you let Ron Jeremy baby sit your kids…

3. Eighteen years after this picture was taken we found out that Lil’ Bobby is still inseparable from his favorite action figure – “Suck You Off Debbie”…

4. Hey it could have been worse… He could have been using his mothers vibrator as a pacifier!

5. When Jeff realized that he had run out of plush teddy bears to award the winners at the county fair, he had to think fast…

The people
I’ve been to a lot of conventions before. My job sometimes requires me to attend all types of gatherings. Never before have I seen one of this magnitude. The estimated attendance was over 150,000 . Luckily I bought the 4 day pass which allowed me an addition preview night before the rest of horde arrived.

I walked the exhibition hall, well as far as I could in that given time, and took notes on all the venues I wanted to see once everything was in full swing. It turned out to be a great idea because the next day would turn out to be maddening.

The costumes
This had to be one of my favorite parts. Some of the ideas that these people came up with we’re incredible. Practically all of the costumes were hand made, which only made them that much more impressive. Every character from fantasy, sci-fi, video game and comic book lore was duly represented.
Not all the costumes we’re fantastic. There were a few costume-wearers that should have hung their head in shame. I honestly think that there’s should be ground rules to the dress up game. Certain limits must be observed in order for the viewing masses to avoid uncontrollable laughter or induced vomiting. Among these restrictions  age and weight should absolutely be limited. For example… I saw a 70 year old woman dressed as Wonder Woman. I’m sure some of you may think that it’s cute, but let me assure you, there’s nothing sexy about  a geriatric woman showing off her varicose veins in a pair of blue star spangled boy shorts. . . NOTHING!!!

The Panels
Without a doubt my favorite part of the whole convention was getting the chance to see the people who churn out the content to make this whole thing happen. Authors, directors, writers, game designers and celebrities all sat down and gave their opinion about the state of the industry, what they we’re promoting, and a myriad of other topics that quenched our inner geeks. It was fantastic!

I attended as many as I could but due to the long lines I missed a staggering amount of incredible panels. The ones I did attend included Peter Jackson, James Cameron, Kevin Smith, the cast of AVATAR, District 9, Legion and Star Wars Clone Wars. I also listened to the creators of video games such as Halo, Splinter Cell, Left 4 Dead, Mass Effect, Resident Evil and a shit ton more! As a fellow enthusiast of the movie/blog industry it was enlightening listening to all of these people who all had the same thing in common; a sincere love of what they did and the courage to chase their dreams. Don’t get me wrong many of them had an exceptional talent in their particular craft, but the vast majority we’re regular people who just practiced and perfected their passion. That’s it.

I left every panel with a sense of determination. The panels alone we’re worth the price of admission and long lines. If you ever go to “The Con”, do yourself a favor and listen in on some of the discussions. You’ll leave with a keener sense of focus.

Schwaaaaag (free shit)
They give away so much shit at Comic-Con that people walk around with these huge over-the-shoulder bags that stand around 3 feet tall. ( I am not exaggerating). These bags are everywhere. Little kids, old people, even the handicap are dragging around these huge bags.

Personally I thought they looked really stupid slung over people’s sides like special ed purses; however, around the middle of day one I looked at them completely different. I didn’t get one, but I thought really long and hard about it. Shirts, pens, games, buttons, CD’s, DVD’s, you name it they were given away. By the end of  day 4 I’m sure people had enough schwag to re-sell and start their own business.

Movies
If you’re a movie nut like me, this was an added plus to the whole ordeal. The convention center had geek inspired movies, tv shows, and cartoons running all day everyday. This may not sound like much, but something can be said about a movie going experience with people who love the film as much as you do. There’s an energy in the room that makes the participation almost electric. It’s like watching your favorite movie with 500 of your closest friends. Not only that, it gives you a chance to see old movies, and tv shows on the big screen.

Overall
Without getting too long winded I honestly say that I absolutely enjoyed the entire event. It wasn’t perfect by any means. There we’re long lines, inflated prices and a shortage of space that really needs to be dealt with. As far as content is concerned it was visual overload. I will certainly be at next years event, this time as a seasoned veteran. Hell I might even dress up and make the transformation into a compete spaz complete.

The convention is not for everyone. I strongly recommend that the die hard fans go. If you’re just a casual dork who slums it with an occasional episode of “Lost” every now and then I guarantee that it will probably not be for you. In order to understand the madness, you have to be a little mad yourself. Believe me, the rabbit hole gets deep on this one.

Diggems

There are many people that consider Barak Obama the second coming of Superman… or would that be the first coming?!? Whatever, check out some real quick footage from Comic-Con that proves that the 44th President is indeed a superhero… or something…

Staff

Fun Police
Now that you’re all moved in and spending quality time, the next new awaking is the introduction to the fun police. From this point forth all fun has to be accountable and controlled by her. You are no longer allowed to enjoy yourself unless it involves her in some form or fashion.

You remember the day when you could just leave the house, hang out with the fellas, have the time of your life and tell her about it later. Yeah bro, those days are over. Now, fun must be handled with a similar mentality of a dope boy slanging crack rocks. You have to be crafty when you do it. You can’t let the whole world know you’re doing it, and you always have to be on the lookout for the fun police when in public. Nothing will piss your lady off more than her knowing that you’re enjoying yourself without her!

Checking in and Curfews
“Whatever Diggems, I’m a grown man. I don’t have a curfew. I wish my lady would tell me when and where I need to be. She’s not my momma!”

Ahhh yes, male pride. I remember when I use to have that. The funny thing about having another mother is that you actually start to appreciate your real one. At least when you were a kid and missed your curfew you were grounded for a few day and then she left you alone.

As a grown man with a live-in girlfriend you don’t have the luxury of being left alone. Instead you get the never-ending argument of where you were, who you were with and what you were doing; then to top it off you have to sleep next to her. Can you imagine getting bitched out by your mom at the tender age of 14 and then having to sleep next to her when she’s done? At first your pride does nothing but get you in more trouble. You try to explain things. You take a stand. You win battle after battle. But then, finally, one day you just lose the will to fight. She wins the war. They always do.

Friends
When you guys were dating, all your friends loved your lady and she loved them. She was the cool chick that was down for whatever. She was a part of the circle.

Now that you live with her, all of a sudden, you spend entirely too much time with your friends. Every instance of interaction with your pals ends in an argument of who you want to be with more. You can’t even bring her around as often anymore because of the underlying tension. If they come over to your place your girl gives you her best stank bitch impersonation, and it’s always spot on. You end up sneaking around to see your friends as if it’s some type of twisted love affair.

“Hey man, she just left. Can I come by?” You whisper like an escaping convict.

“Sure. Does she know you’re coming over?” Your friend replies, showing true concern for your safety.

“No. So I can only stay for the first half of the game,” you utter like a whipped dog.

“Dude! You are such a bitch.”

“I know man, I know,” you admit like the bitch you’ve become.

Stay tuned for the conclusion. The Live-In part 3

Diggems

1. Bro… I promise! She told me you guys were getting a DIVORCE!

2. For all of those who are looking for the definition of “Roshambo“… I present Exibit A…

3. It might be time for someone to go and get Lasik…

4. Everyone knew that Retarded Bob would make a fine athlete, but someone should have been a little more specific when they told him that the object of the game was to “kick balls” really hard…

5. Bob couldn’t wait to go outside and test his new bionic leg implants.

I’m just about to head out the door and drive my geektastic ass to Comic-Con in San Diego.  I have to admit that i’m really excited.  It’s gonna be nerdapolooza and I couldn’t be happier.  Movie, comics, games, sci-fi, and fantasy. . . I think I just creamed my pants.

  Well anyways keep in touch with our twitter account and check in from time to time.  We may have a couple of things for my fellow nerdlings to drool over.  See you guys Monday.  Oh yeah Max, don’t fuck up our site man.  I know how you get when you’re alone.

Diggems

One day while the both of you are out eating ice cream, she hits you with a question, “Where do you think this relationship is heading?”

You’re so shocked to hear this that you damn near choke on your creamy delight. All you can think is, “please don’t talk about marriage.”

Then she hits you with it, “I think we should move in together.”

You’re instantly relieved because it’s not what you thought it would be. Now your guard is down and she has you exactly where she wants you. Take it from me man. Don’t do it. Drop the ice-cream and run. Don’t look back just keep running. Run like Freddy Kruger is on your ass. Run like the police found a murder weapon with your finger prints, run for your fucking life.

Don’t Do It!
I know what your probably thinking. Not my girl man. She’s great. We laugh, talk, get along, everybody loves her, it’s all good man. Yeah, that’s what me and many other defeated men said as well. Many of my friends tried to warn me, my dad even tried to warn me; in fact every man who’s ever lived with their woman for more than a year all said the exact same thing, “Think that shit through man, don’t rush it, believe me.”

And now here I am saying the same gems that were passed along to me that I duly ignored. Think it out man. Really think it out.

I’ve composed a few things that you are guaranteed to go through if you decide not to listen to me. I wouldn’t really call it advice. It’s more like an explanation of the process that you’re going to go through. What kind of man would I be if I didn’t warn you.

The Move In
First things first. Now that you’ve told the lady of your life that you are willing and wanting to spend every waking moment with them (more on this later), you have to consolidate all your things to go into one location… hold on, let me correct that, you have to get rid of most of your shit so that she can keep all of her shit.

The great poster of the dogs playing poker? Gone! Your incredible collection of girly magazines? Peace! The great sofa that you’ve slept on, ate on, gamed on, watched movies and cheered for your favorite team!?!? Boy stop… adios! In your lady’s eyes it’s all trash.

Your walls will soon be lined with photographs of ballets and horses. You’ll have things in your crib that you’ve never seen before like end tables, coasters and candles.

Whether you’re moving in with her, getting a new place, or she’s moving in with you; the end result will always be the same. You are officially a visitor in a place where you pay rent or a mortgage. Get use to it because it’s never going to change. If you’re lucky and some of us actually are, you’ll get a little room off to the side for your stuff. In reality it’s just a storage facility for the things she’s willing to tolerate… for now.

Quality Time
The only time I’ve ever really heard this term used is when I lived with my lady. When you lived in separate spaces quality time was ANY time spent with your significant other. You guys were so in love back then that even a small chat in the living room was a memorable moment. Not anymore. Even though you see your lady all day every day, it’s still not enough. Quality time takes on a whole new meaning when you’re living with your lady. I’ve worked it out into a mathematical equation that can easily sum it up:

The amount of quality time (qt) received is directly proportional to the amount of money spent ($) multiplied by the distance traveled (dt) to reach quality time destination. ($ x dt = qt)

If you happened to be going with friends. That number is divided by how many other people go with you ($ x dt/f = qt). If those other people include your male friends, the power of that division is doubled ($ x dt/2f = qt). I know that all sounds strange to you guys that have never done this before but trust me the math is perfect.

Stayed tuned for part 2

Diggems

Imagine, he’s been in a relationship with the same woman for 20 years of his adult life, never really knowing the true meaning of the word “Freedom”. Within that humble abode that you both call “home”, almost every single room is a shared experience; the living room, the dining room, media room, and of course the bedroom.

How much he must welcome then, the sheer tranquility that comes from being able to sit quietly, undisturbed, in the last frontier – the last bastion of solitude and freedom – and just relax!

Now understand that we are not referring to a bathroom similar in proportion and grandeur to the one in which the Queen of England handles her most royal of businesses. This is not the same bathroom in which Al Pacino’s character Tony “Scarface” Montana bathed, in his huge sunken hot tub, whilst accosting Michelle Phieffer’s character Elvira Hancock. Ohhh no you silly fool! What we are referring to is that 5’ by 9’, coat closet-like room that contains two dirty towels, old magazines, three year old potpourri, a half empty roll of toilet paper and the most important piece of porcelain known to mankind.

This place, that every adult male secretly calls his “home within the home”, is the half that the realtor dismissively referred to when pointing out the fact that your soon-to-be new house contained three and a HALF bathrooms. Little did you know, ladies, that this room did more to finalize closing on that house than the island sinks in the kitchen, the two car garage, the huge two acre plot of land, yes… even more than little Timmy’s own personal bedroom.

This tiny, almost innocuous, “room” was the final nudge necessary to make that special man in your life look you right in your eyes, and with a near imperceptible sigh of relief and ecstacy proclaim, “This is the one we’ve been searching for”

So please women, the next time you’re looking for your man - be he a boyfriend, fiancé or husband - and after ten minutes of yelling from upstairs with no results, you decide to head downstairs and you see the door to “that room” closed and hear the fan quietly whirring with that sweet melody of circulation… Please! Don’t knock… Don’t open… Don’t wait! Just turn the fuck around and take your ass right back up those stairs. Because at that very moment the king is on this throne… and the royal court is in session!

Besides you already have your own personal wing within our private kingdom and we men are happy to leave you in there undisturbed… It’s called the kitchen!

Max

We live in a age where appearances speak volumes. The pussification of the man is in full swing. Long gone are the days of the 60’s and 70’s when it was considered sheik to walk around the beach with man fro on your chest. Nowadays that trend seems to be rapidly declining. We have everyday guys walking around here like Michael Phelps shaving chest hair and waxing their legs. I understand the importance of necessary grooming but unless you’re running or swimming for a gold medal there’s really no excuse for you to be shaving your legs.

There’s also another deeper, darker method of the manscaping process. The clippers and razors have now moved to the crotch. Like the funny shrubs at Disney Land, men are also clipping their pubes in an effort to maintain the status quo. I hate to admit that I have also become a victim of said pussification. I was the first to stand on the soapbox and point out the man hoes that were participating. Now I’ve relieved my stand and proudly stand amongst my bitch made brethren. My name is Diggems and I actively participate in manscaping. Alright, now that’s done let’s get back to the explanation.

Upperbody
First of all I’m not a hairy man to begin with. My follicles just don’t have the umph to pull off a chest beard. Any attempts to flaunt my peck carpet would only result in high pitch laughter from the neighboring lady folk. If you’re cursed with limited chest hair such as myself, do yourself a favor and the people around you a favor and clip those six mangy hairs off your chest. Like a balding man sporting a comb over, you’re only fooling yourself.

Ladies also seem to be more particular about a man’s armpit hair. The general consensus I’ve received is that shaven armpits are not a career ender for blossoming relationships. The flip side of that coin is the guy who appear to have buckwheat in a headlock. If you’re capable of actually combing your armpit hair then you are a sure fire candidate for a trim.

The absolute game ender for young men this summer is back hair. Thank you sweet Jesus for not cursing me with the mark of the beast. If you’re sporting a man sweater find a female friend, preferable a chick you’re not interested in, and have her weed whack that shit off. No lady wants to lay on your back and choke down back fur while she’s nibbling on your shoulder blades.

Lower body
This is the gray area of the manscaping process. Females don’t seem to mind hairy legs as much. In fact some think it’s really attractive. This is a subject best left to whatever type of responses you receive when sporting your man leggings. Personally, I feel it’s kind of weird shaving your legs but hey, it’s whatever floats your boat. The real meat and potatoes are the areas we’re about to discuss.

The Wedding Tackle
Here it is fellas… the place most sensitive to our egos. The twig and berries. This should be a carefully thought out and well groomed area. Believe me when I say this. NO woman wants to be diddling around downstairs only to find a crime scene between your legs. There’s many pros and cons to the way this can, and should, be done. Remeber, I’m only offering advice. I’m sure each of your have your own methods of getting your shag carpet up to speed.

You generally have three major choices. 1) You have the blow out - which is just letting your genital whiskers ran amuck unchecked. 2) There’s the light trim - which is the equivalent of a light taper or a “Caesar”. And then there’s the baby Stewie - this is when you shave everything to the point of looking like a new born baby.

I’ve tried all three and my advice is to do everything in moderation. When I came out of my draws looking like the wolfman I never received any complaints. Most females simply brushed my crotch-fro to side and continued like nothing even mattered.

When I rocked my tight taper. I got tons of comments ranging from, “Wow, that looks really sporty” to “Awhhh, you think you’re Hollywood now”. Whatever the case, none of the comments we’re bad.

Wearing the Stewie was another animal entirely! There’s just something funny about a grown ass man walking around sporting wood with no visible mane for proof of your maturation. You can’t beat the response you’ll get from this doozie. It’s an instant conversation starter.

Ultimately though, all of this clipping won’t mean a damn thing if you don’t trim or shave the hair on your sacks. If you’ve never had your balls properly “tended to” by the fairer sex, it’s probably because your sack game was not up to speed. I don’t really have any advice on how to manage your balls. All I can hope for is that you have a steady hand, especially if you’re using a razor. It’s one thing to get a nick on your cheek and it’s whole other thing to accidentally slice the skin off of your nuts.  One thing is for sure though, you’ll also be surprised how much more interested your lady will be concerning the offering of  “oral delights”; it’s like a puppy playing with a new chew toy.

Personally I still rock the Caesar. Yeah, I know it sounds gay, but fuck it. It’s cleaner, sportier, and it shows the young lady in your life that you care enough to clean up a little before she “cleans” you up a little.

Diggems

Hmmmm… Let’s see where this one goes! Westcoast rapper The Game has taken a serious shot at Jay-Z in his new song “I’m So Wavy”. In addition to Jigga, he touches on video hoe extraordinaire – Amber Rose – and of course takes his typical shot at everyone’s favorite steroid user… I mean… body builder, Curtis “fiddy cent” Jackson.

I have a feeling that Jay will respond, but I don’t see this “beef” going any further than a couple of underground joints and a cartoon. Of course I’ve been wrong before; although, in my own defense I’ve only been wrong once and I only tried it because I wanted to know what being wrong felt like…

So lets see if this leads to Biggie vs Tupac 2… Chances are it won’t, you just don’t risk getting killed with an ass like this waiting for you in your million dollar Manhattan apartment…

Beef with The Game... or Birfday sex with this... Hmmmmmm